My Mind

I can tell you the differnce bw us. you were blonde and five foot ten inches and bareky 100 lbs soaking wet. you were the loud one, when i was silent. you were the one who taught me never to back down from a fight. and what true friends were supposed to be like. you could bring a laugh to the class, when all i could do is sit back and chuckle at you. i was the rock in the storm of your life. i was something strong that you could hold onto, when you were slipping away from all of us. we had each others backs, not matter what. but what happened?what happend when i moved away....and we stopped talking. why did the conversations seem fake and forced when we talked later on? when did we lose that close connection we had? i remember when you knew my next move before i did...and vice versa. i remember taking the same pills and smoking the same pot as you. i remember days i wanted to die and you kept my head above the water, and i kept the gun from your head. i remember all the plans we made, and the promises we broke. i remember all the lies we told them all to cover each others asses.but what happened? when faced with the same pills, and the same lack of will to live....why was i able to say no, and put the bottle down. why did you say yes? what was it to make youdo it. was it an accident? but you knew the limit....we always did. why so many so quick? why? was there something i should have done...or said...what?i wish i could ask you all these questions now.....i wished i would have told you all things you needed to hear. im sorry i wasnt there when you needed me most. i will always love you like a sister. you will be in my thougths forever chelsy.

Wow, man. chilln wit dani made me feel a lil better, and so did the one and half tramadol i just crushed up did. good times. mabey it will dull me. i know i prolly wont get a buzz off them anymore, but shit if i can just numb myself into a point of oblivion, that would be fucking awsome, that is for damn sure. roo isnt going to find out cause i really dont feel like having him jump my ass about it. but honestly, all i want is to be happy. is that to much to ask? seriously? i try what i can to do it. but nothing really makes me feel happy. i mean it helps to be with andrew, hes a great kid, but i feel myself slipping into a depression. and i know i am, i just dont care anymore. its so hard to even get up and go to class, cause it seems so fucking pointless. i mean really man, i feel like whats the point of it all. wanna know something terrible? i am like obsessed with getting andrew off, because the whole time he has this incredibly happy content feeling he gives off, and it makes me feel a lil better for a while, but then its gone. i dont even get that feeling when i get off. and it gives me even more  of a sex drive bc i wanna feel happy and whole. i hate this emptiness i feel. i feel hollow. i dont even care what people think, care or feel. i just dont care anymore. how fucked up is that? i mean i should but i dont.

Let all Oz be agreed, i am wicked through and through.........no good deed will i ever do again!

thats what i feel like my life has amounted too. fuck it man, im not even feeling a buzz yet. damn i need to get some Zbars or something. this shit is killing me, no lie.

im out

tata

Yeah so today i go over and eat with my friend lynn at downstairs powelle. and guess who comes strolling up. daniel and Tameeka. its a wonder the girl even eats she certainly doesnt look like it. so anyways yeah he comes up and introduces he to me again. and then starts rambling about his lil bro might be getting bapitised. bu tyou could even understand him cause he ws mumbling so bad. then he just stands there. so finally im like well ill let ya go bye, and look away so he finally leaves the table

i think he was expecting me to ask him to sit, but i was not about to with his lil skinny ass gf there with him.

yeah so that was akward. its the first im ever seen him out witha agirl. it hurt alot. but what can ya do?

anyways, spending time with andrew is beginning to get extremely difficult. like i want to see him but its like i gotta convince him to come with me. its like jesus you are my bf its okay to want to be with me a lil bit ya know. and he is way to involved with jessie and stewie. believe it or not they both can take care of themselevs . we have done all we can do. now let what could happen just happen. ya know? jesus. what to do with  him. he always has to be the center of attenention or he goes nuts. craziness. well thats al i got to bicth about now

tata

"NObody till you!" man i heart andrew. but the world is like trying to crash are happiness. ex's are the worst. daniel had to turn into a bitch bc we started dating , whatever. he tried to pull the well it was my good friends and ex gf of almost  2 yrs. and i was like well the whole almost 2 yrs thing didnt seem to bother you when you were breaking up with me and and started talking to hollie or start dating her after we had only been broke up for a month. why can't he just be happy that where happy? why does that bother him. and i have another question on face book hollie's not there anynore and ity says he's in a realtionship with some tamika chick. WTF is up with thta?

well gonna go take a BIG ASS NURSING FINAL! wish me luck.

tata