My Mind

my grandpa is sick. the dont expect him to live for much longer. on top of his alzheimers he has a UTI, Congestive Heart Failure ( which he has to be on lasix for) pnumonia in his right lung and 50% of his Left lung is collapsed, and we cant put a chest tube in bc his heart couldnt take going under the anethisa.

hes like a second dad to me. hes always been ther. my dad was a heavy alocoholic until i was about 14. and my grandpa always stepped up in place. he was the one who came to all the choir concerts, all the assemblies, all the awards cermonies, and my induction in National Honor Society. all events my dad never cared enough to go to. he was there. when it was bring your dad to school day in 4th grade  he came at the last minute bc my dad was passed out drunk and couldnt come.

hes my biggest hero. the person whos always encouraged me to be my best. he knew what i was capable of and expected nothing less. me and my sister where like daughters to him. the past couple years have been so hard on me bc of his alzhiemers. he wasnt able to come to my highschool graducation bc he was to sick to come. and now he wont get to come to my college graduation. he was there for my moving here to eastern my freshman year though. he didnt really know what was going on but it was still nice to have him there.

it makes me so sad that he wont get to be there when i get married, or for my first kid, or anything like that. i know i shouldnt concentrate on the things i wont get but on the things i was able to share with him. but its so hard. it feels like he is being taken away from me to soon. theres so much advice he needs to give me. he promised to take me to my first irish pub for my first irish cofee for st pats day after i turn 21. theres so many memories i need to make with him, more stories he didnt get to share. more  french phrases he needs to teach me.

what i wouldnt do now to be 13 yo again. i would pay more attention to his stories, and all the things he tried to tach me. i would go to church with him more. i would value every moment with him so much more.

but i cant live in a life of regrets. all i can do is be happy for the time i got with him, as short as it was. and remember all the great things he taught and showed me. and know that he lives in my heart, and that ill always carry him with me. on my wedding day, when my kids are born, when i graduate, when i get my RN (he was always so proud of me for persuing my dreams. and i think he wanted it for me just as much as i do).

all i can do is hope for him a painless and peaceful end. and be there for him now, the way he always was for me.

tata

so now we're on a break. i tried talking to stewie and that went crashing down, jessie and dani say i shouldnt put up with his shit. luke is the best, he understands my side, with out telling me any real advice. he listens great. and i know we'll stay friends if andrew and i break up, he even said that we talk more than he and andrew does. i guess im not the only thing hes not neglecting lately, just ask him. i wasnt happy and im still really not. i dont know what its going to take for me to be happy. if i ever am. i like growing up, but it also makes me miserable bc i have so much shit thrown on me at once. i feel like i am going into overload. it makes me want to scream, cry, shout for joy, and die all at once. i guess its a catch 22. i hate it all. i just want happiness is that so damn bad? is that so fucking terrible. god i just want to say fuck it all. and be like screw you andrew, screw school and nursing. and just drop it all. if i want to now is the time. i dont know anymore. i just want to scream and yell at how unfair he is. and tell him what a dick he can be, and i still love him to pieces. but things dont work out the way you wnt them too.

i dont know what to do anymore.

i want to give up, but i dont have the balls.

im lost and lonely.

Holy shit. i swear just as soon as i have both feet on the ground, something or someone  pulls the rug out from underneath me. i went and picked up pics from walmart from this summer, luckily there were no drag pics from this summer from me and jordan and brandi, though it would have been hilarious. instead they were all pics of me and daniel. it makes my heart wanna break all over again. so to make matters worsei find scotts myspace account, so i add him and send him a mesage. he sends one back saying hes been trying to get ahold of me for like two years now. hes still in love with shana. whats new, though? man ive missed him, hes helped make me the person i am today. we were so close at one time, and god we had awsome sex. i remember how much i hated him for so long. but now i cant really remember why. it all seems blurry. now all i can remember is going up to the lodge, and having fun at work. its crazy how time flys by you so quick. is it wrong that i miss him so much.

me and roo had such a great day yesterday. and everything is going so well. and scott is in Ohio, and in love with shana poland. and daniel is in love with himself. so why do i care at all? i really dont know anymore. i just want to scream, and my head wants to explode. god i would love for andrew to ask me to come over there and spend the night. it would be grrreaat!

im am so torn and fucked up.

i give up!

i just dont give a damn anymore. its a monday night and i have drank way too much vodak for my own good. but i just dont care anymore. no matter what i am  miserable. i got to see andrew today for like 5 mins and got lectured, oh what fun, so i am back sitting inmy dorm, like a good lil girl, but thats not me. im tired of being responsible. i hate it, and i feel so lonely. in a dorm of over 300 girls, and my roommate less then 3 feet away from me i feel so alone.  i would love to have a bid ole pain pill right now. i just want to forget. i just dont want to feel anymore. i honestly believe i am clinically depressed, but with no insureance it doesnt mean shit. i am broke, and no one gives a damn. no one ever asks why im so moody, shit mabey im manic depressive, who the fuck would know.

i dont know why i stay with him at times. i know he says it all for my own good. and i am sure it is, but i honestly think i am about to go off. i want some one who can have fun with me not try to rule my life. i think at times i stay with him bc im afraid to be alone. i dont know what to dowith out a boyfriend. i am so use to it. plus what if he is who im supposed to be with  and what if this is my only chance for happiness i am am going to give it up. and what ifi stay with him and saty miserable. i want someon ewho needs me, and wants to be around me, and will make time to be with me. not well you know your allowed to be over here anytime, thats not what i want. i want to know you want me, and need me. and would abosuloutly die with out me. not threaten to leave me all the fucken time. i hate that. its like i better be good or hes going to leave. that is bull shit. but i dont want to be alone. dani and jessie have each other, but who do i have? nothing, no one. i have a feeling that if me and roo where to break up i wouldnt still be friends with stewie. and that would suck, cause i love stewie. we relate so well to each other. i would hate to lose that. but is it worth it.

i hate it all. i am bored with my life. i just want to give up and run away from it all. is that so bad? i mean really.  i want to get my own apartment. one all by myself. and have no one being in my buisness, i can do as much drugs as i want to and no one would know. i would have no one to check up on me. yeah it will take a lot to get used too. and it will be hard, but ill get over it. im strong, and if im not than i better start manning up. i also need to start working, and wasting all my money on fast food , and andrew. he wanted to play adult and get his apartment  before he really could then fine. why should care. i need to put more space bw us. and stop waiting by the computer for his ims. hell just have to get the fuck over it. and i think if he doesnt come over tonight, atleast to check on me after his lil thing with Becca then i am defintly putting more space bw us. bc that just proves to me he really doesnt care that much about me, bc he can stop to watch a 3 hr movie and go and teach becca and her friends about aikido  but doesnt have time to stop and see me his gf, ehat does that show me? that shows me alot. too much. i dont think its gonna be much longer anyways

we arent celebrating valentines, and when i said it he said okay, didnt ask why, relieveed that he wouldnt have to get me anything. liek christmas. nothing. but lord knows he alreasy know what hes gonna get his roommate jr for his birthday. i got roses. sweet, but thats it. and im not materalistic, but it wouldhave been nice to get soemthing for christmas. i dont care anymore. fuck it i give up. on all of it, andrew, school, all of it. fuck it all

i am in the best mood ever. i dont know why, but i love it.  i havent felt this up beat and happy for so long. its so refreshing like how clean and fresh it feels outside after a thunderstorm. its like finally what ever has been holding be down and back has lifted. its so refreshing.  nothing speacial has happened, im just finally feeling content. no excessive worring, no looming dark clouds, no regrets, no saddness. like ive been washed clean.

i know i keep going on and on about it, but its been so long since ive felt this upbeat, i forgot what it was like to be content! i have so much energy and its great  i love it.  everyone needs to feel this!

yeah, thought of more shit i really want to get off my chest and out of my mind.

i want stability, i want forever, i want something solid. yet im terrified for any real comittment. andrew says he loves me, and he says forever, which should be enough......but still i fear. fear being alone, of him leaving me. i dont want to be hurt again. i guess i just dont know what i want anymore.

i want happiness yet it seems like i can look through the clouds to find the sunshine. and i crazy......i mean completely out of my head? why do i even still look at daniel's blogs? why do i care? i dont know......why doees part of me still wished he longed for me? to know he is haert broken. am i a cruel bitch?

i just want to be over and past it. i sometimes feel like i need to get away. away from campus, ky and ohio.  i just want a new start. but i love my friends, and family. but sometimes i feel stuck. like theres no way for me to get over anything while here. to many memories and feelings are attached to these places. like the air is filled with words that will never be said, memories that will never be made, and the stuffiness of the emptiness that will never be filled. the emptiness sometimes is enough to suffocate me. am i crazy? have i finally gone off the deep end? is this my mind telling me this is the beginning of a nervous breakdown? too many questions and too many answers i dont want to hear........

so life marches on. i guess it doesnt relieze that its leaving some behind, and probably doesn't care. poor jessie, she went out on the line, and now they're both filled with regrets. No regrets, thats what i strive to live for, how well i do it i don't know. me and andrew worked everything out like usual. we went up to his parents house in "J Town" today. got there at like 10 o' clock, and ended up curling up in his bed and napping till almost 2. it was great. i finally got to be lil spoon. this friday will be our 3 month aniversary. its weird how time flies. its like i cant get a grasp on it. i dont know where time has gone. this is a long standing problem for me though. i have absolutely no sense of time at all, its like time is fluid.

life is just getting harder and harder for jessie. i want to comfort her, but i really dont know what to say.  i just dont know what to do, i think we all sorta knew it might happen......but just didnt want to talk about it.

i looked at pictures of daniel. bad idea. why am i still caught up with him? its been a almost 5 months since we broke up.....and ive been with roo for the past 3 months. yet when i see him i miss him......the old him. its like hes changed over night. its crazy! how can someone change so much like that almost over night? why do i still care? i hate myself for it. am i a bad girlfriend? i dont want him to be mine.....i just miss the familarity of it all. i give up.

well i better go study for a final im going to fail tomarrow.

tata

i am so confused. it seems the more i fall for andrew, the more i want to push him away. i think im afraid of being hurt again. but like jessie said "i may be loves bitch, but atleast i wont ever wonder what if." and that is so true, and i thought i used to be that way. but anymore the more i fall in love with andrew, and the more comfortable we become talking about ( and joking about) us getting married one day and stuff like that, the more scared i get about what if i get my heartbroken again. i loved daniel completely and wholely, with out a second thought, just completely gave my heart over to him, and it hurt so bad when it ended, and i know i didnt take it the best. yeah it seemed like i was fine, but i started taking pain killers to help stop thinking about it. and now im afraid ive gotten a lil addicted, bc i just feel so much better when i take a couple pain killers. i dont feel so anxious or on edge. but im afraid to tell andrew bc he has no tolerance for shit like that. and ive gotten better. i dont take them as often, or as many. i really gotta stop, but god it feels so good.

sometimes i dont feel like i deserve to be loved, or to have someone worry and care about me as much as andrew does. and sometimes it feels overwhelming for me, but i know its just because im not used to it. the more i think about it, ive been independant from my parents for a long time. ive stopped depending on them ever since we moved to ky. that was emotionally and mentally, and now im pretty much physically on my own too, so im not used to someone who cares where i go, when i go, and if its safe. but i know he has the best of intentions. but i feel bad when i do make him worry himself sick(literally) about me, i know its his choice, and that he wants that. but i hate knowing im causing him grief, and i know im not the best girlfriend, i have been really hateful lately. and i know i need to lighten up about somethings, i just dont know whats wrong, something just doesnt feel right lately..........ever since this summer, when i knew me and daniel were drifting, but i thought going back to richmond would make it all better.... and when it didnt and i reliezed i lost him.....something in me changed........im not the happy carefree, fun loving girl i used to be. i am more sad and depressed, and i dont smile like i used too. i wish i did.... and sometimes i try to force myself too, it just makes it worse. and its not all the time. dani, jessie, and andrew especially brighten my life so much. i know its the lights that have kept me going, its that glimmer that has kept me trodding on. but sometimes i feel so lost and in such a dark place and i dont know why, and it scares me........when andrew told me he was differnt and he knew he would never go back to tje person  he was....... i knew exactly what he was talking about bacause thats the same thing im going through. and i am scared. i am scared of the darkness that is consuming every aspect of my life . its like a black cloud of doom that lingers me, yes i can be happy, but its always therer trying to take over. and its like a constant with it. and i get exhausted trying to fight it, so more and more im  allowing it to engulf me, and it makes me sad, and hateful to all of those whom i lve, i just dont know what to do. im going to talk to roo tonight and see if he can help me. lets hope someone can.......i think he might be the only one who can, god i hope he can save me from myself.......i hope someone can

so yeah, its been a crazy week. early last week, i find out through myspace of all things, that my ex daniel is bi sexual, which ya know shit happens, though this isnt the first time ive dates a guy and then he decieds to come out about his sexuality- brenda says its becuase im a "safe" girlfriend" yeah whatever. but anyways he tells other people from back home and not me, i was a little hurt, you think he would tell me shit like that. oh well.

on to other things we had thanksgiving holiday from last wensday to yesterday. my nephew was born the 22 a healthy 20 ins, 6 lbs 9 oz, and cute as hell! i totally fell in love with him. he is so preciuos. but being in ohio and seeing sarah and the family, and aunt beth- which britty is looking great-yay- and her family. it was great. it killed me to leave though, like honestly broke my heart, we drove thorugh loudonville, and i wanted to cry. they had like 4 inches of snow when we got there, it had melted the day we left, but still on the slops was all snowy and pretty.

and i sit here and wonder whats really keeping me here. roo, thats really about it. jessie and dani would be sad but its not like it would be life shattering or anything. they still have each other. but then i wonder whats left up there for me. not to much. friends i hardly talk to or family i see mabey twice a year. i dont feel like belong anywhere. it kills me. and its put me in a really shitty mood, and i know its starting to bother andrew, but i dont know what else to do. its like how am i supposed to be normal actingon the outside, when i feel like a storm is raging inside me.

i just dont what to do anymore. im miserable here, but i have a feelinbg i would be miserable up there as well. i just dont know what to do with myself, i dread waking up each day, though its been a while since i drugged myself into oblivion, but only because i dont have anything to do it with. i have no more ambien and the tramadol doesnt touch me anymore. and pot is WAY to traceable, and i get random piss tests at work. what i wouldnt do for some loratabs or something. damn anything. but its not bc im addicted i just hate my fucking life, and wish not to participate, though i know andrew would not approve. oh shit what to do, what to do. i might take a walk tonight. its been so long since ive done that.

i would go out driving but you never when some fucking rent a cop is going to pull  you over on some bogus charge, damn you Gregging.....fight the power!

well thats it for now, i have shit i need to be doing but i dont see that happening.

tata

so yeah, i am sitting here waiting to be able to register for my classes. cant do it till midnight, and damn it i am going to get the classes i want, come hell or high water or if a damn tornado comes rolling through.

on a darker note, i blocked daniel from everything on my stuff aim, myspace, facebook, you name it. but on myspace i blocked him so he cant see mine, but i can still see his. which is bad, bc ive notcied that lately ive been getting on just to look at pictures. he seems head over heels for this one. why? whats so great about her, and what is so damn tragic about me? im nice, im decently pretty at timess, yeah im a cubby and shes not...... but why? mabey they dont fight, mabey this is the happiest hes ever been. and i really dont know why i care, i dont want him back, i just dont want him to be so damn happy with someone who isnt me. why cant he just be miserable and alone like he promised he would be. dont get me wrong i love andrew to death, but i know we dont have a future. and thats sad, bc i really want to be in a realtionship that i feel may turn into something in the long run, yet when i go to talk to andrew about it and think of breaking up with him, i cant imagine it. i cant imagine with out him. hes so much of me, cand he makes me so happy. but mabey jessie's right , whats the point of being in a realtionship if you know its never going anywhere. mabey i like the security. but i hate being single, as terribly domesticated that sounds, i do. i hate knowing i dont have a man by my side. i went for so long with out one. i love having one. i just dont know man. mabey im selfish, or shallow, im really not that sure what you would call it, but its depressing as hell.

i really wish i could see me and drew together for a long time, we have so much fun now. but its like we are always on the extremes, either really good or really bad yelling at each other, but it flip flops so quickly. and for the bf that swears he has never been jealous in his life, he seems to have a streak of green going through his veins lately. its nice knowing someone cares about me enough to be it, but not to overly. yeah know a happy medium.

well i think i not only confused myself enough for now, but anyone eles who is drawn into the drama of my life thats reading this. if anyone is i would love a comment, cause i have yet to recieve one!

much love to ya all

tata