My Mind - males_suck

and it all comes crashing down

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 00:29:26 -0500

so now we're on a break. i tried talking to stewie and that went crashing down, jessie and dani say i shouldnt put up with his shit. luke is the best, he understands my side, with out telling me any real advice. he listens great. and i know we'll stay friends if andrew and i break up, he even said that we talk more than he and andrew does. i guess im not the only thing hes not neglecting lately, just ask him. i wasnt happy and im still really not. i dont know what its going to take for me to be happy. if i ever am. i like growing up, but it also makes me miserable bc i have so much shit thrown on me at once. i feel like i am going into overload. it makes me want to scream, cry, shout for joy, and die all at once. i guess its a catch 22. i hate it all. i just want happiness is that so damn bad? is that so fucking terrible. god i just want to say fuck it all. and be like screw you andrew, screw school and nursing. and just drop it all. if i want to now is the time. i dont know anymore. i just want to scream and yell at how unfair he is. and tell him what a dick he can be, and i still love him to pieces. but things dont work out the way you wnt them too.

i dont know what to do anymore.

i want to give up, but i dont have the balls.

im lost and lonely.

All confused

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 22:27:39 -0500

i am so confused. it seems the more i fall for andrew, the more i want to push him away. i think im afraid of being hurt again. but like jessie said "i may be loves bitch, but atleast i wont ever wonder what if." and that is so true, and i thought i used to be that way. but anymore the more i fall in love with andrew, and the more comfortable we become talking about ( and joking about) us getting married one day and stuff like that, the more scared i get about what if i get my heartbroken again. i loved daniel completely and wholely, with out a second thought, just completely gave my heart over to him, and it hurt so bad when it ended, and i know i didnt take it the best. yeah it seemed like i was fine, but i started taking pain killers to help stop thinking about it. and now im afraid ive gotten a lil addicted, bc i just feel so much better when i take a couple pain killers. i dont feel so anxious or on edge. but im afraid to tell andrew bc he has no tolerance for shit like that. and ive gotten better. i dont take them as often, or as many. i really gotta stop, but god it feels so good.

sometimes i dont feel like i deserve to be loved, or to have someone worry and care about me as much as andrew does. and sometimes it feels overwhelming for me, but i know its just because im not used to it. the more i think about it, ive been independant from my parents for a long time. ive stopped depending on them ever since we moved to ky. that was emotionally and mentally, and now im pretty much physically on my own too, so im not used to someone who cares where i go, when i go, and if its safe. but i know he has the best of intentions. but i feel bad when i do make him worry himself sick(literally) about me, i know its his choice, and that he wants that. but i hate knowing im causing him grief, and i know im not the best girlfriend, i have been really hateful lately. and i know i need to lighten up about somethings, i just dont know whats wrong, something just doesnt feel right lately..........ever since this summer, when i knew me and daniel were drifting, but i thought going back to richmond would make it all better.... and when it didnt and i reliezed i lost him.....something in me changed........im not the happy carefree, fun loving girl i used to be. i am more sad and depressed, and i dont smile like i used too. i wish i did.... and sometimes i try to force myself too, it just makes it worse. and its not all the time. dani, jessie, and andrew especially brighten my life so much. i know its the lights that have kept me going, its that glimmer that has kept me trodding on. but sometimes i feel so lost and in such a dark place and i dont know why, and it scares me........when andrew told me he was differnt and he knew he would never go back to tje person he was....... i knew exactly what he was talking about bacause thats the same thing im going through. and i am scared. i am scared of the darkness that is consuming every aspect of my life . its like a black cloud of doom that lingers me, yes i can be happy, but its always therer trying to take over. and its like a constant with it. and i get exhausted trying to fight it, so more and more im allowing it to engulf me, and it makes me sad, and hateful to all of those whom i lve, i just dont know what to do. im going to talk to roo tonight and see if he can help me. lets hope someone can.......i think he might be the only one who can, god i hope he can save me from myself.......i hope someone can

Drama drama drama

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Tue, 20 Sep 2005 22:44:27 -0400

somethings are just never ment to be! i hate when people play games, especially the ones guys always wanna play. i guess i can deny it all i want, but im a hopeless romantic! and i believe that is my down fall, i'm always trying to save someone, even if they don't wanna be saved. i think my life would be better if i was emotionally shut off. no more pain, no more drama that seems to be my life. am i really that hard to like?

guys are such dicks some times, and so are girls. i swear im not always like this, this is just th place i go when i pissed

tata