My Mind

the song by lorrie morgan always breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time. as stewie said i guess im in my quarter life crisis. im not really sure what i want in life. i pretend too, but deep down im just as scared and confused as everyone else. life got so much harder when i started trying to live for myself. before i was able to do what would make someone else happy or what i thought they wanted or expected of me. now living for my self by myself, i have so many choices and options, and its scary as hell. in my head i have this master game plan, all these long term goals. and i have short term ones too, like pass classes. go to work and be productive, not have a nervous break down. and with those i can handle, but the shit that trips me up is the little everyday shit. like what to do when bear asks me to go out, or dealing with the moment to moment lonileness, bc its not the long term being single that gets me. no that i can always be like im waiting for mr. right, and hell come eventually. no its the laying alone in bed at night, and i wake up from a bad dream, and no ones there to put their arm around me to make me feel better. or on pretty days like today, and i want to go outside and sit, or take a walk or drive. fun stuff you could do with a bf. then it gets to me. just that lil sigh of sadness. and what scares me is that i feel myself growing colder, caring less, "toughening up".  and it helps now. bc for now it doesnt ache that much. but long term what will that do? will i become an ice princess, and push people away? im already starting to. le sigh.

im sitting here so confused. there are three guys in my life right now. and i dont even know how it happened. the first of course is andrew. the one i cant have, and the one i want the most. i miss him so much. i know i still have him, that hes mine no matter what. but hes got me on a pedastel and her in his arms. and we all know how that ended up in my best friends wedding. its crazy, and its all these lil things that make me miss him. when i hear funny stories, or a dumb joke, or songs, or the way the sunshines through the cloud and makes life look like it has a lil halo. its amazing. and i want him to be there to share it with me. maybe one day. but sometimes i think things are better this way. i want us to be happy. happier than either of us have ever been. and thats what i hope for. i thought id never know happiness after daniel, and andrew showed me i could. that gives me hope.

then theres sweet pat. his innocene makes him so vaunerable, and i never know whats okay with him. and i know that with him its fun and carefree no real deep emotions attached. which is what i want right now. that no strings attached clause. but i know that that doesnt really exsist. cause i always tell andrew, no strings attached and there are. and i know how sad i get. and to know i may be doing that to another person makes me feel like shit. but when i stop and look at a long term future i dont see it with pat. i see us being awsome friends, and him being there to mend my broken heart, and dancing with me at my wedding, maybe even being in it, but not at the groom. and  my minds telling me that, and telling me that if i am leading him on thats bad.

 and then theres Bear. and i dont even know what to think about this. he dated heather. he said he always thought i was cute, but there was just bad timing. and i can understand that. but when i look at bear i see possible long term. he older, more settled, and i like that about bear. he seems more reliable. but i dont know exactly what i feel for him or vice versa. its crazy. why now? and why this sudden infatuation. is it just for hopeful sex. i do know that roo is not liking this. and he told me that he trust Bear with everything in the world, except me. why though? just bc hes a partier and is horny? how would that make him differnt from tiff though. i know im in a more fragile state than roo, but surely he trusts me doesnt he? so what is it? does he sense me being able to fall for bear, and doesnt want that? i know that anything andrew tells me is him trying to protect me from .....well alot of times its from myself. and thats why i love him. and i see the some of andrew in bear, maybe thats what infatuates me with him. i dont know. but he seems differnt, hes not so much blue, but im completely sure what he is. i dont know, but i want to find out. what does that mean? i know i can talk to andrew about this.....but im hesitanant simly bc jess and dani are  wanting to protect pat (god that was a bad idea. why did we kiss. why did i start complicating things?) and roo wants to protect me, and right now i believe its from bear. i see bear as someone to protect me, and to help me and et through life.

i figured out things got harder when i took control of my own life. when i suddenly became in complete control of my actions, and decisions (the good and the bad......oh yeah the bad definetly). thats when life got hard. sometimes i wonder why i was in such a rush for this. am i better off. am i stronger. am i the big bad person i thought i was. no.....im the same lil girl i always was, just pretending that i know what i am doing. thank god for jessie, dan i and roo. id be lost without them, bc no matter how much im all like im on my own.....i can do it all by myself, there wou,d be no way in hell i coud do it with out them. there my home away from home. i finally know where my home is. it doesnt have a zipcode, or a spot on the map. its here where i am (at the minute) as long as i have my trio, im home. even when were not physically together. i know they got my back. im learning to appreciate life more and more everyday.

wow. so much figured out in so few of paragraphs.

im so confused right now. i really do need some focus in my life. ive been avoiding it, esp during break. using anything and anyone to avoid the reality of my life. but thats no way to try to live my life. it keeps feeling like its going to crumble. and i cant have that anymore. i need stability, i need strength.

i still cant believe i slept with daniel. i guess in the back of my mind i thought that would remind him of all the great things we had. but now that i relieze that thats not what happening..i know not to do that again.

im still not able to completely forgive heather....since she still cant apologize. so the balls in her court. i know she doesnt care about my approval or friendship, and im learning to deal with that. it hurts, but im dealing.

me and andrew talked last night till like 4 oclock in the morning. its crazy, as much as i hate him at times, and as sad as he makes me....i still love him. and he is still one of my best friends. i dont know if we will ever get back together. part of me hopes so...and another pasrt of me wonders how well that will work. i cant believe about him and tiffany. but again thats something im accepting and dealing with. yes i do have to share his attention, and his love possibly. we still both admit to loving each other. its so complicated.

and then theres sweet pat. if andrew is paired up with my focused, self perserving, adult side.....then pat is paired for my partying side. we always have so much fun. its so crazy. and mabey this is being presumptuios of me, and thinking way to highly of myself. but i am so terrifed that hes going to fall for me. and hes never had that "first love" yet. and i dont it to be me. i dont know anyone whos first love ended well for them. usually its a very tragic, heart wrenching story. and i dont want to ever do that to someone. im not good enough, i thought i was someones first true love, but apparently not, bc you just dont fall out of love with that "true love" atleast i dont think so. im really not sure. its terribly confusing. and i dont know what i want right now. at times a steady bf seems so nice. but at other times the sheer idea of it disgusts me, yet i know if someone where to approach me and ask for it... i would give it to him and not think twice. what does that mean? i am so confused.

focus that is what i need in my life right now. but what to focus on just yet im not intirely sure. thats another obstucle i must attempt to overcome. the sheer tragicity of my life overwhelms me at times. then others i am utterly disgusyted by it all.

i fear i have hurt jessie. i never meant to. everyones own expriences make them so fragile when it comes to the little things in life. wheather it be the tone someone uses, how the approach the subject in question, or even when the do it. and things are so differnt for the two of us that it makes things so difficult if we are ever to fight or  diput somehting, bc our styles are so differnt.

when did life get so hard?

Holy shit. i swear just as soon as i have both feet on the ground, something or someone  pulls the rug out from underneath me. i went and picked up pics from walmart from this summer, luckily there were no drag pics from this summer from me and jordan and brandi, though it would have been hilarious. instead they were all pics of me and daniel. it makes my heart wanna break all over again. so to make matters worsei find scotts myspace account, so i add him and send him a mesage. he sends one back saying hes been trying to get ahold of me for like two years now. hes still in love with shana. whats new, though? man ive missed him, hes helped make me the person i am today. we were so close at one time, and god we had awsome sex. i remember how much i hated him for so long. but now i cant really remember why. it all seems blurry. now all i can remember is going up to the lodge, and having fun at work. its crazy how time flys by you so quick. is it wrong that i miss him so much.

me and roo had such a great day yesterday. and everything is going so well. and scott is in Ohio, and in love with shana poland. and daniel is in love with himself. so why do i care at all? i really dont know anymore. i just want to scream, and my head wants to explode. god i would love for andrew to ask me to come over there and spend the night. it would be grrreaat!

im am so torn and fucked up.

i give up!

i just dont give a damn anymore. its a monday night and i have drank way too much vodak for my own good. but i just dont care anymore. no matter what i am  miserable. i got to see andrew today for like 5 mins and got lectured, oh what fun, so i am back sitting inmy dorm, like a good lil girl, but thats not me. im tired of being responsible. i hate it, and i feel so lonely. in a dorm of over 300 girls, and my roommate less then 3 feet away from me i feel so alone.  i would love to have a bid ole pain pill right now. i just want to forget. i just dont want to feel anymore. i honestly believe i am clinically depressed, but with no insureance it doesnt mean shit. i am broke, and no one gives a damn. no one ever asks why im so moody, shit mabey im manic depressive, who the fuck would know.

i dont know why i stay with him at times. i know he says it all for my own good. and i am sure it is, but i honestly think i am about to go off. i want some one who can have fun with me not try to rule my life. i think at times i stay with him bc im afraid to be alone. i dont know what to dowith out a boyfriend. i am so use to it. plus what if he is who im supposed to be with  and what if this is my only chance for happiness i am am going to give it up. and what ifi stay with him and saty miserable. i want someon ewho needs me, and wants to be around me, and will make time to be with me. not well you know your allowed to be over here anytime, thats not what i want. i want to know you want me, and need me. and would abosuloutly die with out me. not threaten to leave me all the fucken time. i hate that. its like i better be good or hes going to leave. that is bull shit. but i dont want to be alone. dani and jessie have each other, but who do i have? nothing, no one. i have a feeling that if me and roo where to break up i wouldnt still be friends with stewie. and that would suck, cause i love stewie. we relate so well to each other. i would hate to lose that. but is it worth it.

i hate it all. i am bored with my life. i just want to give up and run away from it all. is that so bad? i mean really.  i want to get my own apartment. one all by myself. and have no one being in my buisness, i can do as much drugs as i want to and no one would know. i would have no one to check up on me. yeah it will take a lot to get used too. and it will be hard, but ill get over it. im strong, and if im not than i better start manning up. i also need to start working, and wasting all my money on fast food , and andrew. he wanted to play adult and get his apartment  before he really could then fine. why should care. i need to put more space bw us. and stop waiting by the computer for his ims. hell just have to get the fuck over it. and i think if he doesnt come over tonight, atleast to check on me after his lil thing with Becca then i am defintly putting more space bw us. bc that just proves to me he really doesnt care that much about me, bc he can stop to watch a 3 hr movie and go and teach becca and her friends about aikido  but doesnt have time to stop and see me his gf, ehat does that show me? that shows me alot. too much. i dont think its gonna be much longer anyways

we arent celebrating valentines, and when i said it he said okay, didnt ask why, relieveed that he wouldnt have to get me anything. liek christmas. nothing. but lord knows he alreasy know what hes gonna get his roommate jr for his birthday. i got roses. sweet, but thats it. and im not materalistic, but it wouldhave been nice to get soemthing for christmas. i dont care anymore. fuck it i give up. on all of it, andrew, school, all of it. fuck it all

i am in the best mood ever. i dont know why, but i love it.  i havent felt this up beat and happy for so long. its so refreshing like how clean and fresh it feels outside after a thunderstorm. its like finally what ever has been holding be down and back has lifted. its so refreshing.  nothing speacial has happened, im just finally feeling content. no excessive worring, no looming dark clouds, no regrets, no saddness. like ive been washed clean.

i know i keep going on and on about it, but its been so long since ive felt this upbeat, i forgot what it was like to be content! i have so much energy and its great  i love it.  everyone needs to feel this!

yeah, thought of more shit i really want to get off my chest and out of my mind.

i want stability, i want forever, i want something solid. yet im terrified for any real comittment. andrew says he loves me, and he says forever, which should be enough......but still i fear. fear being alone, of him leaving me. i dont want to be hurt again. i guess i just dont know what i want anymore.

i want happiness yet it seems like i can look through the clouds to find the sunshine. and i crazy......i mean completely out of my head? why do i even still look at daniel's blogs? why do i care? i dont know......why doees part of me still wished he longed for me? to know he is haert broken. am i a cruel bitch?

i just want to be over and past it. i sometimes feel like i need to get away. away from campus, ky and ohio.  i just want a new start. but i love my friends, and family. but sometimes i feel stuck. like theres no way for me to get over anything while here. to many memories and feelings are attached to these places. like the air is filled with words that will never be said, memories that will never be made, and the stuffiness of the emptiness that will never be filled. the emptiness sometimes is enough to suffocate me. am i crazy? have i finally gone off the deep end? is this my mind telling me this is the beginning of a nervous breakdown? too many questions and too many answers i dont want to hear........

Woo hoo, the steelers are going to the super bowl! i told everyone they would kick the bronco's ass.  man my sinuses are fucking hurting, and itching like hell. there will be no way in hell they are going to let me in clinicals this sick. me and andrew are doing well. im getting better at confronting him about things im not happy with. which doesnt sound hard, being the type of realtionship where in, but damn that daniel making me afraid. i hate what that break up did to me. it made me doubt myself so much. god, i feel like shit!

thats it for now

tata 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."


And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....


Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

how is it that people changeso quickly. its like i dont even know her anymore. she like flipped completely. everything that she stood for she lost. she has become angalenia. its terrible. and how is it that they became best friends?

why not me. ever since michelle i havent had a best friend. that one person your never with out. that you plan everything with. and people expect you to know everything about them. and i lost mine, and i still havent  found another. its not fair. god i hat elife it sucks so fucking un fair.

thats it for now

tata

xoxo