My Mind

im looking for something in ... you

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 00:07:14 -0400

the song by lorrie morgan always breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time. as stewie said i guess im in my quarter life crisis. im not really sure what i want in life. i pretend too, but deep down im just as scared and confused as everyone else. life got so much harder when i started trying to live for myself. before i was able to do what would make someone else happy or what i thought they wanted or expected of me. now living for my self by myself, i have so many choices and options, and its scary as hell. in my head i have this master game plan, all these long term goals. and i have short term ones too, like pass classes. go to work and be productive, not have a nervous break down. and with those i can handle, but the shit that trips me up is the little everyday shit. like what to do when bear asks me to go out, or dealing with the moment to moment lonileness, bc its not the long term being single that gets me. no that i can always be like im waiting for mr. right, and hell come eventually. no its the laying alone in bed at night, and i wake up from a bad dream, and no ones there to put their arm around me to make me feel better. or on pretty days like today, and i want to go outside and sit, or take a walk or drive. fun stuff you could do with a bf. then it gets to me. just that lil sigh of sadness. and what scares me is that i feel myself growing colder, caring less, "toughening up". and it helps now. bc for now it doesnt ache that much. but long term what will that do? will i become an ice princess, and push people away? im already starting to. le sigh.

life just got harder

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 20:39:58 -0400

my grandpa is sick. the dont expect him to live for much longer. on top of his alzheimers he has a UTI, Congestive Heart Failure ( which he has to be on lasix for) pnumonia in his right lung and 50% of his Left lung is collapsed, and we cant put a chest tube in bc his heart couldnt take going under the anethisa.

hes like a second dad to me. hes always been ther. my dad was a heavy alocoholic until i was about 14. and my grandpa always stepped up in place. he was the one who came to all the choir concerts, all the assemblies, all the awards cermonies, and my induction in National Honor Society. all events my dad never cared enough to go to. he was there. when it was bring your dad to school day in 4th grade he came at the last minute bc my dad was passed out drunk and couldnt come.

hes my biggest hero. the person whos always encouraged me to be my best. he knew what i was capable of and expected nothing less. me and my sister where like daughters to him. the past couple years have been so hard on me bc of his alzhiemers. he wasnt able to come to my highschool graducation bc he was to sick to come. and now he wont get to come to my college graduation. he was there for my moving here to eastern my freshman year though. he didnt really know what was going on but it was still nice to have him there.

it makes me so sad that he wont get to be there when i get married, or for my first kid, or anything like that. i know i shouldnt concentrate on the things i wont get but on the things i was able to share with him. but its so hard. it feels like he is being taken away from me to soon. theres so much advice he needs to give me. he promised to take me to my first irish pub for my first irish cofee for st pats day after i turn 21. theres so many memories i need to make with him, more stories he didnt get to share. more french phrases he needs to teach me.

what i wouldnt do now to be 13 yo again. i would pay more attention to his stories, and all the things he tried to tach me. i would go to church with him more. i would value every moment with him so much more.

but i cant live in a life of regrets. all i can do is be happy for the time i got with him, as short as it was. and remember all the great things he taught and showed me. and know that he lives in my heart, and that ill always carry him with me. on my wedding day, when my kids are born, when i graduate, when i get my RN (he was always so proud of me for persuing my dreams. and i think he wanted it for me just as much as i do).

all i can do is hope for him a painless and peaceful end. and be there for him now, the way he always was for me.

tata

sitting at my own crossroads

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Sun, 26 Mar 2006 14:46:54 -0500

im sitting here so confused. there are three guys in my life right now. and i dont even know how it happened. the first of course is andrew. the one i cant have, and the one i want the most. i miss him so much. i know i still have him, that hes mine no matter what. but hes got me on a pedastel and her in his arms. and we all know how that ended up in my best friends wedding. its crazy, and its all these lil things that make me miss him. when i hear funny stories, or a dumb joke, or songs, or the way the sunshines through the cloud and makes life look like it has a lil halo. its amazing. and i want him to be there to share it with me. maybe one day. but sometimes i think things are better this way. i want us to be happy. happier than either of us have ever been. and thats what i hope for. i thought id never know happiness after daniel, and andrew showed me i could. that gives me hope.

then theres sweet pat. his innocene makes him so vaunerable, and i never know whats okay with him. and i know that with him its fun and carefree no real deep emotions attached. which is what i want right now. that no strings attached clause. but i know that that doesnt really exsist. cause i always tell andrew, no strings attached and there are. and i know how sad i get. and to know i may be doing that to another person makes me feel like shit. but when i stop and look at a long term future i dont see it with pat. i see us being awsome friends, and him being there to mend my broken heart, and dancing with me at my wedding, maybe even being in it, but not at the groom. and my minds telling me that, and telling me that if i am leading him on thats bad.

and then theres Bear. and i dont even know what to think about this. he dated heather. he said he always thought i was cute, but there was just bad timing. and i can understand that. but when i look at bear i see possible long term. he older, more settled, and i like that about bear. he seems more reliable. but i dont know exactly what i feel for him or vice versa. its crazy. why now? and why this sudden infatuation. is it just for hopeful sex. i do know that roo is not liking this. and he told me that he trust Bear with everything in the world, except me. why though? just bc hes a partier and is horny? how would that make him differnt from tiff though. i know im in a more fragile state than roo, but surely he trusts me doesnt he? so what is it? does he sense me being able to fall for bear, and doesnt want that? i know that anything andrew tells me is him trying to protect me from .....well alot of times its from myself. and thats why i love him. and i see the some of andrew in bear, maybe thats what infatuates me with him. i dont know. but he seems differnt, hes not so much blue, but im completely sure what he is. i dont know, but i want to find out. what does that mean? i know i can talk to andrew about this.....but im hesitanant simly bc jess and dani are wanting to protect pat (god that was a bad idea. why did we kiss. why did i start complicating things?) and roo wants to protect me, and right now i believe its from bear. i see bear as someone to protect me, and to help me and et through life.

i figured out things got harder when i took control of my own life. when i suddenly became in complete control of my actions, and decisions (the good and the bad......oh yeah the bad definetly). thats when life got hard. sometimes i wonder why i was in such a rush for this. am i better off. am i stronger. am i the big bad person i thought i was. no.....im the same lil girl i always was, just pretending that i know what i am doing. thank god for jessie, dan i and roo. id be lost without them, bc no matter how much im all like im on my own.....i can do it all by myself, there wou,d be no way in hell i coud do it with out them. there my home away from home. i finally know where my home is. it doesnt have a zipcode, or a spot on the map. its here where i am (at the minute) as long as i have my trio, im home. even when were not physically together. i know they got my back. im learning to appreciate life more and more everyday.

wow. so much figured out in so few of paragraphs.

so confused

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 00:30:06 -0500

im so confused right now. i really do need some focus in my life. ive been avoiding it, esp during break. using anything and anyone to avoid the reality of my life. but thats no way to try to live my life. it keeps feeling like its going to crumble. and i cant have that anymore. i need stability, i need strength.

i still cant believe i slept with daniel. i guess in the back of my mind i thought that would remind him of all the great things we had. but now that i relieze that thats not what happening..i know not to do that again.

im still not able to completely forgive heather....since she still cant apologize. so the balls in her court. i know she doesnt care about my approval or friendship, and im learning to deal with that. it hurts, but im dealing.

me and andrew talked last night till like 4 oclock in the morning. its crazy, as much as i hate him at times, and as sad as he makes me....i still love him. and he is still one of my best friends. i dont know if we will ever get back together. part of me hopes so...and another pasrt of me wonders how well that will work. i cant believe about him and tiffany. but again thats something im accepting and dealing with. yes i do have to share his attention, and his love possibly. we still both admit to loving each other. its so complicated.

and then theres sweet pat. if andrew is paired up with my focused, self perserving, adult side.....then pat is paired for my partying side. we always have so much fun. its so crazy. and mabey this is being presumptuios of me, and thinking way to highly of myself. but i am so terrifed that hes going to fall for me. and hes never had that "first love" yet. and i dont it to be me. i dont know anyone whos first love ended well for them. usually its a very tragic, heart wrenching story. and i dont want to ever do that to someone. im not good enough, i thought i was someones first true love, but apparently not, bc you just dont fall out of love with that "true love" atleast i dont think so. im really not sure. its terribly confusing. and i dont know what i want right now. at times a steady bf seems so nice. but at other times the sheer idea of it disgusts me, yet i know if someone where to approach me and ask for it... i would give it to him and not think twice. what does that mean? i am so confused.

focus that is what i need in my life right now. but what to focus on just yet im not intirely sure. thats another obstucle i must attempt to overcome. the sheer tragicity of my life overwhelms me at times. then others i am utterly disgusyted by it all.

i fear i have hurt jessie. i never meant to. everyones own expriences make them so fragile when it comes to the little things in life. wheather it be the tone someone uses, how the approach the subject in question, or even when the do it. and things are so differnt for the two of us that it makes things so difficult if we are ever to fight or diput somehting, bc our styles are so differnt.

when did life get so hard?

wow, who knew orange vodka would taste that good....

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 21:30:54 -0500

yeah so last night i was the one offically failed the party. who knew orange vodka would hit me so hard. haha. prolly should have ate more than a ham and cheese sandwich before it. but shit it happens. so me and my girks got toasted last night. dani drank a six pack of budlite, then started taking shots of orange vodka. if ya chase it with sunkist you cant even taste it. its great! so yeah 9 shots in like an hr...not good.

then i get on and start talking to the ex daniel. bad choice. good sex, but bad choice. then i found out that he never really did know about me and dave (his best friend) fooled around. and that andrew had lied to be blunty and totaly lied to me. and that liked to kill me. that and when he had to make sure both of us understood that just bc we were gonna have sex didnt mean we were getting back to gether...or even hanging out. ouch nice slap in the face. i mean i know, but rought to have it so bluntly put. it was weird kissing him with his lip ring though. but yeah whatever.

so i am all pissed that andrew lied to me, that its making me want to cry. so instead of crying i punch a wall, a hrd one may i add. and then threw up. NEVER NEVER NEVER eat cheetos and goldfish crackers if you plan on throwing up later. nothing like seeing pure orange staring back at ya.

so what do i do? deciding im the soberest of the three i drive us to waffle house. at which we are pissed bc we got charged $18.55 for like nothing. the dicks. then i didnt even get into the dorm. i just threw up outside in the grass. which i looked at the spot today...and the grass is dead. wow...imagine what that was like for my poor stomach.

so yeah...daniel is alreaady caught up with a new girl. guys move on so well. and its not that i want to or dont want to. i feel so stuck.

and andrew hates me now. and for dumb reasons. bc i didnt listen to his advice. then when i told him he couldnt make my desicions he got even madder. and he lied to me. i dont lie to people, why should someone lie to me? why do people want to be so cruel? is that fun or something?

i just wish none of it had happened at times. i know you grow from all expriences...but why does growing have to be so damn painful? why does the thought of osing people i once called my bestfriends to turn out to be nothing have to hurt so bad. what did i do to deserve this?

am i that bad of a person. did i do something so bad to deserve to be in this much pain. what ever it was im sry. i hate losing boyfriends...but i hate losing friends even more. thats what rocks my world so hard. thats what puts my life into the craziest of spins. its like being on an out of control tilt-a-whril. with no bar to hang onto. i just want soemthing stable. not even a boyfriend. just something i can depend on, something i can fall into and know it will catch me. thats why i always want friendship. then it gets ruined somehow. and fucks up all somehow.

same shit different days

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Sun, 05 Mar 2006 21:55:00 -0500

so yeah....same old fight with andrew. for some reason i think it will be differnt. but it never is.

so this time its the fact that after i got off work at 7 am, and i had already planned to go up and see pat in lexington. either right after work or a lil later. so i get here and i call pat and he said he would call me when he got up. so he calls about 10 ish. so i get up and get ready. and andrew deciedes that that is dumb...and i should be smarter than that. i was like, wow we're not dating. why are you still rtying to run my life? so after refusing to talk to me all day. i deiced to call him. and try to work this out civilly. well fat chance of that. he is all like you cant see what is best for you. and these are the same dumb things i used to do before we got together. like i had no sense before we got together. and i was like "we arent dating. you cant be trying to make my desicions for me anymore." plain and simple. so he hangs up on me. so i send him an IM saying. "have a good night, good luck on your paper, and i fucking love you andrew" so he doesnt reply but mins later puts up this away message..."Working on this damn paper, the phone is turned down for unobvious reasons. Im a control freak right now, so do yourself a favor and fuck off. I prolly won't return many messages right now either, TA-Fucking-TA."

yeah fucked up. so then i look on his page and he has MY favorite songs on there- get stoned, figured you out (our song) by nickleback, and next contestant also by nickleback. another fav of mine and he knows it.

why is it that people enjoy being cruel to others. why does it make them feel better?

whats the difference?

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Mon, 27 Feb 2006 21:35:23 -0500

I can tell you the differnce bw us. you were blonde and five foot ten inches and bareky 100 lbs soaking wet. you were the loud one, when i was silent. you were the one who taught me never to back down from a fight. and what true friends were supposed to be like. you could bring a laugh to the class, when all i could do is sit back and chuckle at you. i was the rock in the storm of your life. i was something strong that you could hold onto, when you were slipping away from all of us. we had each others backs, not matter what. but what happened?what happend when i moved away....and we stopped talking. why did the conversations seem fake and forced when we talked later on? when did we lose that close connection we had? i remember when you knew my next move before i did...and vice versa. i remember taking the same pills and smoking the same pot as you. i remember days i wanted to die and you kept my head above the water, and i kept the gun from your head. i remember all the plans we made, and the promises we broke. i remember all the lies we told them all to cover each others asses.but what happened? when faced with the same pills, and the same lack of will to live....why was i able to say no, and put the bottle down. why did you say yes? what was it to make youdo it. was it an accident? but you knew the limit....we always did. why so many so quick? why? was there something i should have done...or said...what?i wish i could ask you all these questions now.....i wished i would have told you all things you needed to hear. im sorry i wasnt there when you needed me most. i will always love you like a sister. you will be in my thougths forever chelsy.