My Mind

Holy shit. i swear just as soon as i have both feet on the ground, something or someone  pulls the rug out from underneath me. i went and picked up pics from walmart from this summer, luckily there were no drag pics from this summer from me and jordan and brandi, though it would have been hilarious. instead they were all pics of me and daniel. it makes my heart wanna break all over again. so to make matters worsei find scotts myspace account, so i add him and send him a mesage. he sends one back saying hes been trying to get ahold of me for like two years now. hes still in love with shana. whats new, though? man ive missed him, hes helped make me the person i am today. we were so close at one time, and god we had awsome sex. i remember how much i hated him for so long. but now i cant really remember why. it all seems blurry. now all i can remember is going up to the lodge, and having fun at work. its crazy how time flys by you so quick. is it wrong that i miss him so much.

me and roo had such a great day yesterday. and everything is going so well. and scott is in Ohio, and in love with shana poland. and daniel is in love with himself. so why do i care at all? i really dont know anymore. i just want to scream, and my head wants to explode. god i would love for andrew to ask me to come over there and spend the night. it would be grrreaat!

im am so torn and fucked up.

i give up!

i just dont give a damn anymore. its a monday night and i have drank way too much vodak for my own good. but i just dont care anymore. no matter what i am  miserable. i got to see andrew today for like 5 mins and got lectured, oh what fun, so i am back sitting inmy dorm, like a good lil girl, but thats not me. im tired of being responsible. i hate it, and i feel so lonely. in a dorm of over 300 girls, and my roommate less then 3 feet away from me i feel so alone.  i would love to have a bid ole pain pill right now. i just want to forget. i just dont want to feel anymore. i honestly believe i am clinically depressed, but with no insureance it doesnt mean shit. i am broke, and no one gives a damn. no one ever asks why im so moody, shit mabey im manic depressive, who the fuck would know.

i dont know why i stay with him at times. i know he says it all for my own good. and i am sure it is, but i honestly think i am about to go off. i want some one who can have fun with me not try to rule my life. i think at times i stay with him bc im afraid to be alone. i dont know what to dowith out a boyfriend. i am so use to it. plus what if he is who im supposed to be with  and what if this is my only chance for happiness i am am going to give it up. and what ifi stay with him and saty miserable. i want someon ewho needs me, and wants to be around me, and will make time to be with me. not well you know your allowed to be over here anytime, thats not what i want. i want to know you want me, and need me. and would abosuloutly die with out me. not threaten to leave me all the fucken time. i hate that. its like i better be good or hes going to leave. that is bull shit. but i dont want to be alone. dani and jessie have each other, but who do i have? nothing, no one. i have a feeling that if me and roo where to break up i wouldnt still be friends with stewie. and that would suck, cause i love stewie. we relate so well to each other. i would hate to lose that. but is it worth it.

i hate it all. i am bored with my life. i just want to give up and run away from it all. is that so bad? i mean really.  i want to get my own apartment. one all by myself. and have no one being in my buisness, i can do as much drugs as i want to and no one would know. i would have no one to check up on me. yeah it will take a lot to get used too. and it will be hard, but ill get over it. im strong, and if im not than i better start manning up. i also need to start working, and wasting all my money on fast food , and andrew. he wanted to play adult and get his apartment  before he really could then fine. why should care. i need to put more space bw us. and stop waiting by the computer for his ims. hell just have to get the fuck over it. and i think if he doesnt come over tonight, atleast to check on me after his lil thing with Becca then i am defintly putting more space bw us. bc that just proves to me he really doesnt care that much about me, bc he can stop to watch a 3 hr movie and go and teach becca and her friends about aikido  but doesnt have time to stop and see me his gf, ehat does that show me? that shows me alot. too much. i dont think its gonna be much longer anyways

we arent celebrating valentines, and when i said it he said okay, didnt ask why, relieveed that he wouldnt have to get me anything. liek christmas. nothing. but lord knows he alreasy know what hes gonna get his roommate jr for his birthday. i got roses. sweet, but thats it. and im not materalistic, but it wouldhave been nice to get soemthing for christmas. i dont care anymore. fuck it i give up. on all of it, andrew, school, all of it. fuck it all

i am in the best mood ever. i dont know why, but i love it.  i havent felt this up beat and happy for so long. its so refreshing like how clean and fresh it feels outside after a thunderstorm. its like finally what ever has been holding be down and back has lifted. its so refreshing.  nothing speacial has happened, im just finally feeling content. no excessive worring, no looming dark clouds, no regrets, no saddness. like ive been washed clean.

i know i keep going on and on about it, but its been so long since ive felt this upbeat, i forgot what it was like to be content! i have so much energy and its great  i love it.  everyone needs to feel this!