My Mind

im so confused right now. i really do need some focus in my life. ive been avoiding it, esp during break. using anything and anyone to avoid the reality of my life. but thats no way to try to live my life. it keeps feeling like its going to crumble. and i cant have that anymore. i need stability, i need strength.

i still cant believe i slept with daniel. i guess in the back of my mind i thought that would remind him of all the great things we had. but now that i relieze that thats not what happening..i know not to do that again.

im still not able to completely forgive heather....since she still cant apologize. so the balls in her court. i know she doesnt care about my approval or friendship, and im learning to deal with that. it hurts, but im dealing.

me and andrew talked last night till like 4 oclock in the morning. its crazy, as much as i hate him at times, and as sad as he makes me....i still love him. and he is still one of my best friends. i dont know if we will ever get back together. part of me hopes so...and another pasrt of me wonders how well that will work. i cant believe about him and tiffany. but again thats something im accepting and dealing with. yes i do have to share his attention, and his love possibly. we still both admit to loving each other. its so complicated.

and then theres sweet pat. if andrew is paired up with my focused, self perserving, adult side.....then pat is paired for my partying side. we always have so much fun. its so crazy. and mabey this is being presumptuios of me, and thinking way to highly of myself. but i am so terrifed that hes going to fall for me. and hes never had that "first love" yet. and i dont it to be me. i dont know anyone whos first love ended well for them. usually its a very tragic, heart wrenching story. and i dont want to ever do that to someone. im not good enough, i thought i was someones first true love, but apparently not, bc you just dont fall out of love with that "true love" atleast i dont think so. im really not sure. its terribly confusing. and i dont know what i want right now. at times a steady bf seems so nice. but at other times the sheer idea of it disgusts me, yet i know if someone where to approach me and ask for it... i would give it to him and not think twice. what does that mean? i am so confused.

focus that is what i need in my life right now. but what to focus on just yet im not intirely sure. thats another obstucle i must attempt to overcome. the sheer tragicity of my life overwhelms me at times. then others i am utterly disgusyted by it all.

i fear i have hurt jessie. i never meant to. everyones own expriences make them so fragile when it comes to the little things in life. wheather it be the tone someone uses, how the approach the subject in question, or even when the do it. and things are so differnt for the two of us that it makes things so difficult if we are ever to fight or  diput somehting, bc our styles are so differnt.

when did life get so hard?

yeah so last night i was the one offically failed the party. who knew orange vodka would hit me so hard. haha. prolly should have ate more than a ham and cheese sandwich before  it. but shit it happens. so me and my girks got toasted last night. dani drank a six pack of budlite, then started taking shots of orange vodka. if ya chase it with sunkist you cant even taste it. its great! so yeah 9 shots in like an hr...not good.

then i get on and start talking to the ex daniel. bad choice. good sex, but bad choice. then i found out that he never really did know about me and dave (his best friend) fooled around. and that andrew had lied to be blunty and totaly lied to me. and that liked to kill me. that and when he had to make  sure both of us understood that just bc we were gonna have sex didnt mean we were getting back to gether...or even hanging out. ouch nice slap in the face. i mean i know, but rought to have it so bluntly put. it was weird kissing him with his lip ring though. but yeah whatever.

so i am all pissed that andrew lied to me, that its making me want to cry. so instead of crying i punch a wall, a hrd one may i add.  and then threw up. NEVER NEVER NEVER eat cheetos  and goldfish crackers if you plan on throwing up later. nothing like seeing pure orange staring back at ya.

so what do i do? deciding im the soberest of the three i drive us to waffle house. at which we are pissed bc we got charged $18.55 for like nothing. the dicks. then i didnt even get into the dorm. i just threw up outside in the grass. which i looked at the spot today...and the grass is dead. wow...imagine what that was like for  my poor stomach.

so yeah...daniel is alreaady caught up with a new girl. guys move on so well. and  its not that i want to or dont want to. i feel so stuck.

and andrew hates me now. and for dumb reasons. bc i didnt listen to his advice. then when i told him he couldnt make my desicions he got even madder. and he lied to me. i dont lie to people, why should someone lie to me? why do people want to be so cruel? is that fun or something?

i just wish none of it had happened at times. i know you grow from all expriences...but why does growing have to be so damn painful? why does the thought of osing people i once called my bestfriends to turn out to be nothing have to hurt so bad. what did i do to deserve this?

am i that bad of a person. did i do something so bad to deserve to be in this much pain. what ever it was im sry. i hate losing boyfriends...but i hate losing friends even more. thats what rocks my world so hard. thats what puts my life into the craziest of spins. its like being on an out of control tilt-a-whril. with no bar to hang onto. i just want soemthing stable. not even a boyfriend. just something i can depend on, something i can fall into and know it will catch me. thats why i always want friendship. then it gets ruined somehow. and fucks up all somehow.

so yeah....same old fight with andrew. for some reason i think it will be differnt. but it never is.

so this time its the fact that after i got off work at 7 am, and i had already planned to go up and see pat in lexington. either right after work or a lil later. so i get here and i call pat and he said he would call me when he got up. so he calls about 10 ish. so i get up and get ready. and andrew deciedes that that is dumb...and i should be smarter than that. i was like, wow we're not dating. why are you still  rtying to run my life?  so after refusing to talk to me all day. i deiced to call him. and try to work this out civilly. well fat chance of that. he is all like you cant  see what is best for you. and these are the same dumb things i used to do before we got together. like i had no sense before we got together. and i was like "we arent dating. you cant be trying to make my desicions for me anymore." plain and simple. so he hangs up on me. so i send him an IM saying. "have a good night, good luck on your paper, and i fucking love you andrew" so he doesnt reply but mins later puts up this away message..."Working on this damn paper, the phone is turned down for unobvious reasons.  Im a control freak right now, so do yourself a favor and fuck off.  I prolly won't return many messages right now either, TA-Fucking-TA."

yeah fucked up. so then i look on his page and he has MY favorite songs on there- get stoned, figured you out (our song) by nickleback, and next contestant also by nickleback. another fav of mine and he knows it.

why is it that people enjoy being cruel to others. why does it make them feel better?