My Mind

so yeah....same old fight with andrew. for some reason i think it will be differnt. but it never is.

so this time its the fact that after i got off work at 7 am, and i had already planned to go up and see pat in lexington. either right after work or a lil later. so i get here and i call pat and he said he would call me when he got up. so he calls about 10 ish. so i get up and get ready. and andrew deciedes that that is dumb...and i should be smarter than that. i was like, wow we're not dating. why are you still  rtying to run my life?  so after refusing to talk to me all day. i deiced to call him. and try to work this out civilly. well fat chance of that. he is all like you cant  see what is best for you. and these are the same dumb things i used to do before we got together. like i had no sense before we got together. and i was like "we arent dating. you cant be trying to make my desicions for me anymore." plain and simple. so he hangs up on me. so i send him an IM saying. "have a good night, good luck on your paper, and i fucking love you andrew" so he doesnt reply but mins later puts up this away message..."Working on this damn paper, the phone is turned down for unobvious reasons.  Im a control freak right now, so do yourself a favor and fuck off.  I prolly won't return many messages right now either, TA-Fucking-TA."

yeah fucked up. so then i look on his page and he has MY favorite songs on there- get stoned, figured you out (our song) by nickleback, and next contestant also by nickleback. another fav of mine and he knows it.

why is it that people enjoy being cruel to others. why does it make them feel better?

yeah so me and andrew arent together anymore. i guess its for the best. but i love him. to death and pieces. hes the worst thing in the world for me. then why do i want him so much. i dont even know him anymore. he does things that totally take me by surprise. like get trashed at parties and pass out on the floor with like a dozen other people. and then theirs tiffany. i guess she likes him. and what is she this thin little blonde that is prettier than me easily. ho wcould i ever think we would get back together its a fucking joke and a half. sorta like that weird dream where i end up marrying daniel and we live happily ever after. justa joke. oh my god. it hurts so fucking bad i could die.my heart hurts so bad. its over. plain and simple. i need to get that. space....thats what i need to do. thats how i got over daniel i just pushed him away. i mean why love these guys when the obviuosly dont love me? hes just not that into you. why is that so hard for me to accept. god....seeing her. and hearing all the stories about him hanging out with sean and chris and hearing about him going to frat parties and shit. who is this? this is the guy who freaked out when he didnt know my every move. what the hell. i just dont get it anymore. well space. thats all there is to it. i gotta stay the fuck away. and not talk to him

god i say this but its so hard. i hate my life. why am i so hard to love? why cant i find someone who makes me happy and not make me wanna bawl all the time. what is it about me? so i bring out the bad in guys? what is it?

i give up

crys out

Yeah so today i go over and eat with my friend lynn at downstairs powelle. and guess who comes strolling up. daniel and Tameeka. its a wonder the girl even eats she certainly doesnt look like it. so anyways yeah he comes up and introduces he to me again. and then starts rambling about his lil bro might be getting bapitised. bu tyou could even understand him cause he ws mumbling so bad. then he just stands there. so finally im like well ill let ya go bye, and look away so he finally leaves the table

i think he was expecting me to ask him to sit, but i was not about to with his lil skinny ass gf there with him.

yeah so that was akward. its the first im ever seen him out witha agirl. it hurt alot. but what can ya do?

anyways, spending time with andrew is beginning to get extremely difficult. like i want to see him but its like i gotta convince him to come with me. its like jesus you are my bf its okay to want to be with me a lil bit ya know. and he is way to involved with jessie and stewie. believe it or not they both can take care of themselevs . we have done all we can do. now let what could happen just happen. ya know? jesus. what to do with  him. he always has to be the center of attenention or he goes nuts. craziness. well thats al i got to bicth about now

tata