My Mind - dorm_life

Who knew?

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Tue, 15 Nov 2005 23:44:07 -0500

so yeah, i am sitting here waiting to be able to register for my classes. cant do it till midnight, and damn it i am going to get the classes i want, come hell or high water or if a damn tornado comes rolling through.

on a darker note, i blocked daniel from everything on my stuff aim, myspace, facebook, you name it. but on myspace i blocked him so he cant see mine, but i can still see his. which is bad, bc ive notcied that lately ive been getting on just to look at pictures. he seems head over heels for this one. why? whats so great about her, and what is so damn tragic about me? im nice, im decently pretty at timess, yeah im a cubby and shes not...... but why? mabey they dont fight, mabey this is the happiest hes ever been. and i really dont know why i care, i dont want him back, i just dont want him to be so damn happy with someone who isnt me. why cant he just be miserable and alone like he promised he would be. dont get me wrong i love andrew to death, but i know we dont have a future. and thats sad, bc i really want to be in a realtionship that i feel may turn into something in the long run, yet when i go to talk to andrew about it and think of breaking up with him, i cant imagine it. i cant imagine with out him. hes so much of me, cand he makes me so happy. but mabey jessie's right , whats the point of being in a realtionship if you know its never going anywhere. mabey i like the security. but i hate being single, as terribly domesticated that sounds, i do. i hate knowing i dont have a man by my side. i went for so long with out one. i love having one. i just dont know man. mabey im selfish, or shallow, im really not that sure what you would call it, but its depressing as hell.

i really wish i could see me and drew together for a long time, we have so much fun now. but its like we are always on the extremes, either really good or really bad yelling at each other, but it flip flops so quickly. and for the bf that swears he has never been jealous in his life, he seems to have a streak of green going through his veins lately. its nice knowing someone cares about me enough to be it, but not to overly. yeah know a happy medium.

well i think i not only confused myself enough for now, but anyone eles who is drawn into the drama of my life thats reading this. if anyone is i would love a comment, cause i have yet to recieve one!

much love to ya all

tata

So this is life

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 10:58:11 -0400

its weird how things can crash so quick, then slowly go back up. it feels like im living on a rollercaoster. cause when things go down hill they go down fast, then slowly i able to go backup. it takes a lot out of me. well i got my bank shit worked out, and made an appoint with shea for today at 2. i have test today in hea 281. but it can't be too hard. i haop i do okay . i really need to do my paper for my aids class. which is a really great class. this weekend i have my class again and i think andrew is going home, but im not sure what day he is going . i'm sorts hoping he'll wait till i get out of class on saturday and want to take me with him. that would be very nice. but i really need to go home so i can get my contacts, so im torn. its ahrd decions, so once again i wont be able to spend the night with drew. this weekend i missed cuddling with him so bad. ireally did. i really lovehim as corny as that sounds. well i better go start workin gon my aids paper.

tata

Funny

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Fri, 21 Oct 2005 18:26:39 -0400

You Are 27 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

In love

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Sat, 08 Oct 2005 13:24:59 -0400

wow, i think i finally found what love should feel like. i thought i knew what it was last year. but i know what mom and frank meant when they say love, even the kind that feels like forever, will come and go. and even though apart of my heart will always belong to daniel. but andrew makes me happy. and thats all there is to it.

if you don't wanna love i will find someone eles who will. i will find another kind of thrill. if you dont wanna love me.

that song is just so true. one thing i really like about andrew is that he doesn't ask questions about my past. he just accepts it. and doesn't try to go places i don't. that shows me that he has utter and total respect for me. i could see us together. is that weird? and today it was cute. we were just laying in bed and i said soemthing like"i so am going to name one of MY boys middle names winniford" and drew was like"no, they are already going to have a hrad time bc of my big ears" wow, would a psych dr go nuts with that statement or what?

then bitch heather was like, oh didnt you take his virginity? and i was like yeah why? and she had the balls to say, oh well hes gonna get all attached and shit, just wait and see. what the fuck ever bitch, please. i will be l;ucky as hell to have him get attached to me. sorry im not like her and want to date 3/4 of the males on campus and possibly a couple of the females too. what a whore.

i need to start getting ready for work, but damn i dont wanna leave drew, as much as i should cause we do need some time apart. absense makes the heart grow fonder, or is it to wander. mabey i should know the diffence. ya never when that will make the differnce. i really hope mom and franlk were wrong when they said that daniel just wanted time off, then would want to end up together, cause i really dont want that, but im afraid i might. bbut i dont want to. he let me go so easy, and i have drew now.

last night i was crying in my sleep. i didnt want to tell andrew, but it was bc daniel came back and was begging me to come back to me. and i told him that i couldn't cause i was with drew, happy and in love. but then something happend and i had to choose one, and the other was going to be killed. and i couldnt choose. i was the scariest dream i have ever have in my entire life. but how do you tell ur bf that. you cant. and what bothers me to this moment i wouldnt know what to do. and that hurt me and scares the fuck outta me. dilemma is damn right girl.

and what makes me love drew som uch is that i can tell him anything in the world, but how do you even bring soemthing liker this is? i just dont know. think is you, even when im wit my buea im crazy over you. wow.my life is fucked up, and i know drew will never press it so i can live my whole life with this in my head and my heart but i will know. mabey with time this wil go away, till then i gotta try to control my dreams if this is possible.

gotta get ready to go home to the crack shack.

tata

To many unanswered questions

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Sat, 08 Oct 2005 04:43:36 -0400

wow, right now i could be curled up in bed with my baby, but instead i cant sleep. and when i cant slepp itend to toss and turn, alot. and i really dont want to put him through that so im tryn to wear myself out by doing some simple ballet streches, but that didnt work. so i thought mabey some random typing might help. but im not seeing that working either. i took my test in nur 112, dont know what i got on it buyt i got a 'b' in the class so im happy.

he looks so peaceful lying there. i ahte to think of the fact that i wont see him till monday. how bad does that suck? i really am attached. and he says he loves me, that hes in love with me, but im scared. when i asked him if he felt emotions we' re still chemical reponses, he said he didnt know. if he says he in love with me so much, how can he doubt it? am i not showing him enouh how much i love him? is it my own fault for be shut off at times, cause i can be very cold i know that. and its my safety mechinism.

drunk daniel was drunk dialing tonight. he said he was on duty , and he was trashed. i cant believe that. thats not responisible. hes putting himself and others at risk. i guess they we're drinking vodka, and tomarrow he sadi he a bottle of southern comfot he was going to finish off. i woory abouth that. his dad was an alcoholic, and he has been telling lots of stories of how hes been drinking alot. whta did i start? last year he wouldnt even touch it, and i was like dont judge till you try it, what kind of pandora's box did i let him open up. i still feel for him more than even i like to admit. i worry. he was my first love, and i never want any harm to befall. and i would kick my own ass i knew that i was the one to start it up. this summer he was so dead set on never touching it again. what happened, when did things change? im scared for his safety. what do i do? do i look away again, do i play the dumb card. or do i fess up? do i bring up what everyone is trying to hard not to see. i dont know. i know technically i have a duty, to protect at all times, at any count. does that make me a hero or a bitch? am i evil or good? or is my being good just a way to try to get attention. because only i know what goes on in my heart. what do i do. im scared but do i fess up to my part, or slink back into the shadows, and accept the fact its not my placxe anymore to do anything.

No good deed goes unpunished. its the story of my life. why is it all my good attentions go awry. what did i do wrong. why do people always look for the bad? why do i let myself fall into this same pattern. why cant i just take things for face value. why do i even care anymore. why cant i just turn wicked and say fuck it. i don't give a damn.

no wonder i cant sleep with so many unanswerable questions running through my head. im going to try to lay down now.

tata

Life as we know it

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 00:17:26 -0400

Wow, in one month i turn 20. that scares the fuck outta me. so much i have to do. today is my zoe's birthaday. i have no lie lost concept of actual days of the month. i really need to put mins on my phone just so i have that to see. cause if not i zone out. i really need to make some massive cash. i have a lot of nursing supplies to buy. if i can even make it to clinicals. i really hope i dont have to do it with liping. that would be hard, she so skinny ill never be able to hear it.

wanna hear something crazy. i see and hang out with luke more than i do drew. drew is always so busy, or wore out from his meds, and luke is a cool dude to chill wit. i really really wanna race his car. tonite i comepletly went against what andrew said. he told me he DID NOT want me to ever ride with luke. and luke said he was goign out driving and listen to music and couldnt turn a reason to get the fuck outta the room. i love jessie and dano, but i gotta get the fuck outta here. i can barely stand it. but when i talk about luke it seems to bug drew. he swears it doesnt , but i wonder. i think sometime apart will be good for us, y aknow. give us some time to be alone, and chilln wit out each other.

jessie warned me today. she said dont let he luke thing turn into dave thing. but that differnt. ya know by that time daniel was pretty much ignoring me, and i wanted someone who wanted me. i really need to lose some weight. it is really starting to bother me. its all in my stomeach too. i hate it!!

but yeah, i remmeber when i thought time was my friend. some one to help get me closer to my goals. not someone who was trying to push me into making decisions im not ready for. and that scares the hell out of me. i know god has a plan for me, but i wish he would give me a hint, and not just dick tease me with security stuff. wow im tired.

wish me luck for tomarrow.

tata

This is hilarious!

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Wed, 05 Oct 2005 23:23:25 -0400

You might be from a small town if...
1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H is.
3. You ever went to a party that was held about 20 miles down a deserted dirt road.
4. You used to drag "main."
5. You said the 'F' word and your parents knew within an hour.
6. You schedule parties around the schedule of
different police officers since you know which ones
would bust you.
7. You ever went or thought about going cow-tipping.
8. School gets canceled for a sports team going to
State.
9. You could never buy cigarettes cause all the store clerks knew how old you were.
10. When you did find someone old enough to buy smokes for you, you had to drive down country backroads to smoke them.
11. You never missed a Homecoming parade.
12. You still go home for Homecoming.
13. It was cool to date someone from a neighboring town.
14. You had a senior skip day.
15. The whole school went to the same party after
graduation.
16. You can't help but date a friend's ex.
17. Your car is allways filthy from the dirt
backroads.
18. You think that kids who ride skateboards are
weird.
19. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or
"snotty" when it is just like your town.
20. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
21. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
22. The people in the big citydress funny then you
pick up on the cool new trend two years later.
23. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
24. On Fridays, anyone you want to find can be
found at Main Street or the local resturants.
25. Weekend excitement involves a trip to Walgreens.
26. Even the ugly people enter beauty contests.
27. You decide to walk for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you need a ride.
28. Your teachers call you by your older sibling's name.
29. The closest "cool stores" are at least 45 miles away.
30. You laugh your head off reading this because you know it's true and then forward it to eveyone in your address book, which is actually half your town.

-Anyone who finds at least five of these that are true...this group is for you!

How hilarious is this? any one who grew up near a small town can relate!

Nursing classes, ex boyfriends, roommate drama; doesn't anyone in this world want me to sleep?

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Tue, 04 Oct 2005 07:35:35 -0400

"NObody till you!" man i heart andrew. but the world is like trying to crash are happiness. ex's are the worst. daniel had to turn into a bitch bc we started dating , whatever. he tried to pull the well it was my good friends and ex gf of almost 2 yrs. and i was like well the whole almost 2 yrs thing didnt seem to bother you when you were breaking up with me and and started talking to hollie or start dating her after we had only been broke up for a month. why can't he just be happy that where happy? why does that bother him. and i have another question on face book hollie's not there anynore and ity says he's in a realtionship with some tamika chick. WTF is up with thta?

well gonna go take a BIG ASS NURSING FINAL! wish me luck.

tata

Life

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Sun, 02 Oct 2005 17:54:11 -0400

i believe i fall in love to quickly, but thing is i know exactly what i want, and when i find it i won't let it go. i broke my rules. i swore i wouldnt tell anyone i loved them again. but i can't help it with andrew. we allow each other to open up, and let our gaurds down. and thats really hard for both of us. i think its because we're so sensitive to others feelings. thats why i like getting drunk and high. especially high. i don't have to feel other peoples emotions as much. they all get dulled. and yeah mine do to, but its worth it. i sometimes think what i have is a curse, not a blessing. it also why im a little aprhensive of working in the ER. thats ALOT of emotions, raw emotions runnign around wild.

i think i hurt andrew today. i was talking to Erica thatcher today on AIM, shes an old firnend from loudonville. and we were talking bout old times. she said ohio was going to hell and she was trying to get out. and i said yeah, part of me wants to return bu ti dont have a life there any more. and the more i thought about it i really dont have a real home back in Bath county either. i have a house, but never a place to call home, and drew got hurt by this bc he was like somone who is so happy all the time isnt really all that happy bc how can you be happy if you dont feeel like you have a place to call home. and i explained to him that i can bc this is how my life has always been. ive moved so much that i really dont have roots anywhere. im like a dandylion. i grow in one place for a while, then that life dies for me and like the seeds i float off to the new location, and i start all over again. no real home, just a place i sit and rest. andrew also seems to feel as though he is goignt to die at a ypung age. i ownder if he's just saying that or if he really feels it too. it makes me wonder sometimes. and its the little things bw us. things we have in common that we've never talked about, but love. like t=wanting to move to montana or a new england state. he mentioned that today, and thats something ive wanted for years. its crazy

i am trying to be nice to daniel but he is syarting to piss me off. likre this weeekend drew and some of his boys went with me to dani's bonfire. and daniel knew bc he asked what i was doing and i told him. well drew saw him at the front desk and stopped to talk wit him. daniel asked him how it was and who all drank, drew said he had fun and he was the only sober one there. daniel then has the balls to ask who i hung all over that nite. drew was nice and said no one really. but seriously what did daniel wanna hear? andrew, some random guy. and when i asked drew why he didnt say anything, he said it was because it wasnt his place. and he was letting me handle daniel my self. which i apprecaite him satying out of my shit, but if daniel has something to say he needs to best be saying to me, and not to mty boy, he needs to let his testicles drop and be a mna about it. for fucking real! pisses me the fuck off.

but whatever what can ya do?

well i gotta color my hair, i got some wicked bad roots

tata

Woo mother fucking hoo!!!!!!!

noreply@blogspirit.com (shortshit) — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 19:13:43 -0400

oh my god! i just found out that im prettier than her. and thats not me just being a bitch i really am! that makes me feel soooooo much better. plus i have andrew, and that just makes my life so great yay! go me!

i really think andrew and me are going to work out. im excited.