My Mind

the song by lorrie morgan always breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time. as stewie said i guess im in my quarter life crisis. im not really sure what i want in life. i pretend too, but deep down im just as scared and confused as everyone else. life got so much harder when i started trying to live for myself. before i was able to do what would make someone else happy or what i thought they wanted or expected of me. now living for my self by myself, i have so many choices and options, and its scary as hell. in my head i have this master game plan, all these long term goals. and i have short term ones too, like pass classes. go to work and be productive, not have a nervous break down. and with those i can handle, but the shit that trips me up is the little everyday shit. like what to do when bear asks me to go out, or dealing with the moment to moment lonileness, bc its not the long term being single that gets me. no that i can always be like im waiting for mr. right, and hell come eventually. no its the laying alone in bed at night, and i wake up from a bad dream, and no ones there to put their arm around me to make me feel better. or on pretty days like today, and i want to go outside and sit, or take a walk or drive. fun stuff you could do with a bf. then it gets to me. just that lil sigh of sadness. and what scares me is that i feel myself growing colder, caring less, "toughening up".  and it helps now. bc for now it doesnt ache that much. but long term what will that do? will i become an ice princess, and push people away? im already starting to. le sigh.

my grandpa is sick. the dont expect him to live for much longer. on top of his alzheimers he has a UTI, Congestive Heart Failure ( which he has to be on lasix for) pnumonia in his right lung and 50% of his Left lung is collapsed, and we cant put a chest tube in bc his heart couldnt take going under the anethisa.

hes like a second dad to me. hes always been ther. my dad was a heavy alocoholic until i was about 14. and my grandpa always stepped up in place. he was the one who came to all the choir concerts, all the assemblies, all the awards cermonies, and my induction in National Honor Society. all events my dad never cared enough to go to. he was there. when it was bring your dad to school day in 4th grade  he came at the last minute bc my dad was passed out drunk and couldnt come.

hes my biggest hero. the person whos always encouraged me to be my best. he knew what i was capable of and expected nothing less. me and my sister where like daughters to him. the past couple years have been so hard on me bc of his alzhiemers. he wasnt able to come to my highschool graducation bc he was to sick to come. and now he wont get to come to my college graduation. he was there for my moving here to eastern my freshman year though. he didnt really know what was going on but it was still nice to have him there.

it makes me so sad that he wont get to be there when i get married, or for my first kid, or anything like that. i know i shouldnt concentrate on the things i wont get but on the things i was able to share with him. but its so hard. it feels like he is being taken away from me to soon. theres so much advice he needs to give me. he promised to take me to my first irish pub for my first irish cofee for st pats day after i turn 21. theres so many memories i need to make with him, more stories he didnt get to share. more  french phrases he needs to teach me.

what i wouldnt do now to be 13 yo again. i would pay more attention to his stories, and all the things he tried to tach me. i would go to church with him more. i would value every moment with him so much more.

but i cant live in a life of regrets. all i can do is be happy for the time i got with him, as short as it was. and remember all the great things he taught and showed me. and know that he lives in my heart, and that ill always carry him with me. on my wedding day, when my kids are born, when i graduate, when i get my RN (he was always so proud of me for persuing my dreams. and i think he wanted it for me just as much as i do).

all i can do is hope for him a painless and peaceful end. and be there for him now, the way he always was for me.

tata