04/19/2006
im looking for something in ... you
the song by lorrie morgan always breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time. as stewie said i guess im in my quarter life crisis. im not really sure what i want in life. i pretend too, but deep down im just as scared and confused as everyone else. life got so much harder when i started trying to live for myself. before i was able to do what would make someone else happy or what i thought they wanted or expected of me. now living for my self by myself, i have so many choices and options, and its scary as hell. in my head i have this master game plan, all these long term goals. and i have short term ones too, like pass classes. go to work and be productive, not have a nervous break down. and with those i can handle, but the shit that trips me up is the little everyday shit. like what to do when bear asks me to go out, or dealing with the moment to moment lonileness, bc its not the long term being single that gets me. no that i can always be like im waiting for mr. right, and hell come eventually. no its the laying alone in bed at night, and i wake up from a bad dream, and no ones there to put their arm around me to make me feel better. or on pretty days like today, and i want to go outside and sit, or take a walk or drive. fun stuff you could do with a bf. then it gets to me. just that lil sigh of sadness. and what scares me is that i feel myself growing colder, caring less, "toughening up". and it helps now. bc for now it doesnt ache that much. but long term what will that do? will i become an ice princess, and push people away? im already starting to. le sigh.
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