04/16/2006
life just got harder
my grandpa is sick. the dont expect him to live for much longer. on top of his alzheimers he has a UTI, Congestive Heart Failure ( which he has to be on lasix for) pnumonia in his right lung and 50% of his Left lung is collapsed, and we cant put a chest tube in bc his heart couldnt take going under the anethisa.
hes like a second dad to me. hes always been ther. my dad was a heavy alocoholic until i was about 14. and my grandpa always stepped up in place. he was the one who came to all the choir concerts, all the assemblies, all the awards cermonies, and my induction in National Honor Society. all events my dad never cared enough to go to. he was there. when it was bring your dad to school day in 4th grade he came at the last minute bc my dad was passed out drunk and couldnt come.
hes my biggest hero. the person whos always encouraged me to be my best. he knew what i was capable of and expected nothing less. me and my sister where like daughters to him. the past couple years have been so hard on me bc of his alzhiemers. he wasnt able to come to my highschool graducation bc he was to sick to come. and now he wont get to come to my college graduation. he was there for my moving here to eastern my freshman year though. he didnt really know what was going on but it was still nice to have him there.
it makes me so sad that he wont get to be there when i get married, or for my first kid, or anything like that. i know i shouldnt concentrate on the things i wont get but on the things i was able to share with him. but its so hard. it feels like he is being taken away from me to soon. theres so much advice he needs to give me. he promised to take me to my first irish pub for my first irish cofee for st pats day after i turn 21. theres so many memories i need to make with him, more stories he didnt get to share. more french phrases he needs to teach me.
what i wouldnt do now to be 13 yo again. i would pay more attention to his stories, and all the things he tried to tach me. i would go to church with him more. i would value every moment with him so much more.
but i cant live in a life of regrets. all i can do is be happy for the time i got with him, as short as it was. and remember all the great things he taught and showed me. and know that he lives in my heart, and that ill always carry him with me. on my wedding day, when my kids are born, when i graduate, when i get my RN (he was always so proud of me for persuing my dreams. and i think he wanted it for me just as much as i do).
all i can do is hope for him a painless and peaceful end. and be there for him now, the way he always was for me.
tata
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