My Mind

im sitting here so confused. there are three guys in my life right now. and i dont even know how it happened. the first of course is andrew. the one i cant have, and the one i want the most. i miss him so much. i know i still have him, that hes mine no matter what. but hes got me on a pedastel and her in his arms. and we all know how that ended up in my best friends wedding. its crazy, and its all these lil things that make me miss him. when i hear funny stories, or a dumb joke, or songs, or the way the sunshines through the cloud and makes life look like it has a lil halo. its amazing. and i want him to be there to share it with me. maybe one day. but sometimes i think things are better this way. i want us to be happy. happier than either of us have ever been. and thats what i hope for. i thought id never know happiness after daniel, and andrew showed me i could. that gives me hope.

then theres sweet pat. his innocene makes him so vaunerable, and i never know whats okay with him. and i know that with him its fun and carefree no real deep emotions attached. which is what i want right now. that no strings attached clause. but i know that that doesnt really exsist. cause i always tell andrew, no strings attached and there are. and i know how sad i get. and to know i may be doing that to another person makes me feel like shit. but when i stop and look at a long term future i dont see it with pat. i see us being awsome friends, and him being there to mend my broken heart, and dancing with me at my wedding, maybe even being in it, but not at the groom. and  my minds telling me that, and telling me that if i am leading him on thats bad.

 and then theres Bear. and i dont even know what to think about this. he dated heather. he said he always thought i was cute, but there was just bad timing. and i can understand that. but when i look at bear i see possible long term. he older, more settled, and i like that about bear. he seems more reliable. but i dont know exactly what i feel for him or vice versa. its crazy. why now? and why this sudden infatuation. is it just for hopeful sex. i do know that roo is not liking this. and he told me that he trust Bear with everything in the world, except me. why though? just bc hes a partier and is horny? how would that make him differnt from tiff though. i know im in a more fragile state than roo, but surely he trusts me doesnt he? so what is it? does he sense me being able to fall for bear, and doesnt want that? i know that anything andrew tells me is him trying to protect me from .....well alot of times its from myself. and thats why i love him. and i see the some of andrew in bear, maybe thats what infatuates me with him. i dont know. but he seems differnt, hes not so much blue, but im completely sure what he is. i dont know, but i want to find out. what does that mean? i know i can talk to andrew about this.....but im hesitanant simly bc jess and dani are  wanting to protect pat (god that was a bad idea. why did we kiss. why did i start complicating things?) and roo wants to protect me, and right now i believe its from bear. i see bear as someone to protect me, and to help me and et through life.

i figured out things got harder when i took control of my own life. when i suddenly became in complete control of my actions, and decisions (the good and the bad......oh yeah the bad definetly). thats when life got hard. sometimes i wonder why i was in such a rush for this. am i better off. am i stronger. am i the big bad person i thought i was. no.....im the same lil girl i always was, just pretending that i know what i am doing. thank god for jessie, dan i and roo. id be lost without them, bc no matter how much im all like im on my own.....i can do it all by myself, there wou,d be no way in hell i coud do it with out them. there my home away from home. i finally know where my home is. it doesnt have a zipcode, or a spot on the map. its here where i am (at the minute) as long as i have my trio, im home. even when were not physically together. i know they got my back. im learning to appreciate life more and more everyday.

wow. so much figured out in so few of paragraphs.