03/21/2006
so confused
im so confused right now. i really do need some focus in my life. ive been avoiding it, esp during break. using anything and anyone to avoid the reality of my life. but thats no way to try to live my life. it keeps feeling like its going to crumble. and i cant have that anymore. i need stability, i need strength.
i still cant believe i slept with daniel. i guess in the back of my mind i thought that would remind him of all the great things we had. but now that i relieze that thats not what happening..i know not to do that again.
im still not able to completely forgive heather....since she still cant apologize. so the balls in her court. i know she doesnt care about my approval or friendship, and im learning to deal with that. it hurts, but im dealing.
me and andrew talked last night till like 4 oclock in the morning. its crazy, as much as i hate him at times, and as sad as he makes me....i still love him. and he is still one of my best friends. i dont know if we will ever get back together. part of me hopes so...and another pasrt of me wonders how well that will work. i cant believe about him and tiffany. but again thats something im accepting and dealing with. yes i do have to share his attention, and his love possibly. we still both admit to loving each other. its so complicated.
and then theres sweet pat. if andrew is paired up with my focused, self perserving, adult side.....then pat is paired for my partying side. we always have so much fun. its so crazy. and mabey this is being presumptuios of me, and thinking way to highly of myself. but i am so terrifed that hes going to fall for me. and hes never had that "first love" yet. and i dont it to be me. i dont know anyone whos first love ended well for them. usually its a very tragic, heart wrenching story. and i dont want to ever do that to someone. im not good enough, i thought i was someones first true love, but apparently not, bc you just dont fall out of love with that "true love" atleast i dont think so. im really not sure. its terribly confusing. and i dont know what i want right now. at times a steady bf seems so nice. but at other times the sheer idea of it disgusts me, yet i know if someone where to approach me and ask for it... i would give it to him and not think twice. what does that mean? i am so confused.
focus that is what i need in my life right now. but what to focus on just yet im not intirely sure. thats another obstucle i must attempt to overcome. the sheer tragicity of my life overwhelms me at times. then others i am utterly disgusyted by it all.
i fear i have hurt jessie. i never meant to. everyones own expriences make them so fragile when it comes to the little things in life. wheather it be the tone someone uses, how the approach the subject in question, or even when the do it. and things are so differnt for the two of us that it makes things so difficult if we are ever to fight or diput somehting, bc our styles are so differnt.
when did life get so hard?
00:30 Posted in life | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
Trackbacks
Starting internet business
Article on college Lotto in new york Wholesale tire outlet Halloween ghost bingo Value investment fund Sp3 sql server Gold is money forum Optometry continuing education Raglan road orlando San diego aerospace museum Fee waivers for college Physiology o...
Trackback by: Starting internet business | 05/21/2006
Times higher education rankings
To abolish the electoral college Butte college chico ca School get in the way of your education Win at gambling Casino t shirt The sims hot date nude Ati radeon x850 pro video card Critique nursing research Adult basic education abe Richard prosper att...
Trackback by: Times higher education rankings | 05/22/2006
Silver bridal shoes
Sound engineering colleges Rectal bleeding in pregnancy Marketing in real estate Upgrade computer memory Flowers and delivery 32 mb 3d video card Job listings nyc Cricket phone ringtones Sales tax for washington Antique brunswick pool table Medicaid he...
Trackback by: Silver bridal shoes | 05/22/2006
Canada car insurance
Increase in money supply Card game setback Start food business Massachusetts attorney general's Australian stock saddles College town photos New concrete floor Germany health insurance Technical schools in south carolina Toyota matrix consumer Greenvi...
Trackback by: Canada car insurance | 05/23/2006
Kentucky derby attire
Sql server round Birthday card for father Search by business Safe effective diet New jersey withholding tax Wanna make a bet Teacher college recommendation Healthcare equality and accountability act Green card lost Stores in college station Veteran bus...
Trackback by: Kentucky derby attire | 05/26/2006
Seasonal depression light
Black label society offical School district job search Computer science degree College in baltimore Safe herbs during pregnancy What are bankruptcy exemptions California fit business award Sell your used car Canadian credit union Surgical technology de...
Trackback by: Seasonal depression light | 05/26/2006
Lock pick video
Finance software review Driver's ed com Us bermuda tax treaty Prenancy due date Predominately black colleges Sports betting software Health insurance provider Adverse drug reactions and lipodystrophy in hiv Orlando magic forum College westchester coun...
Trackback by: Lock pick video | 05/26/2006
San diego humane society
University healthcare consortium San diego graphic designer Textbook loan program Thrifty car rental denver The motown singles collection Car rental cambridge ma Credit union az Design college tucson Orlando limo services Verizon online telephone Do pe...
Trackback by: San diego humane society | 05/27/2006
Personalized enclosure cards
State revolving loan fund Poker card tricks Federal credit union on line banking Online poker sign up bonus Texas insurance adjusters Health weightloss Bet silver anniversary show Insurance invoice Prescription diet medications Electronic loan College ...
Trackback by: Personalized enclosure cards | 05/29/2006
Design your own playing cards
Credit union newsletter Celcius into degrees Insurance adjusters training Vegas pro poker New york property insurance underwriting association Lenders for personal loans Bicycle club poker Insurance solution Peoples benefit insurance Baker insurance ag...
Trackback by: Design your own playing cards | 05/30/2006
Post a comment