My Mind

I can tell you the differnce bw us. you were blonde and five foot ten inches and bareky 100 lbs soaking wet. you were the loud one, when i was silent. you were the one who taught me never to back down from a fight. and what true friends were supposed to be like. you could bring a laugh to the class, when all i could do is sit back and chuckle at you. i was the rock in the storm of your life. i was something strong that you could hold onto, when you were slipping away from all of us. we had each others backs, not matter what. but what happened?what happend when i moved away....and we stopped talking. why did the conversations seem fake and forced when we talked later on? when did we lose that close connection we had? i remember when you knew my next move before i did...and vice versa. i remember taking the same pills and smoking the same pot as you. i remember days i wanted to die and you kept my head above the water, and i kept the gun from your head. i remember all the plans we made, and the promises we broke. i remember all the lies we told them all to cover each others asses.but what happened? when faced with the same pills, and the same lack of will to live....why was i able to say no, and put the bottle down. why did you say yes? what was it to make youdo it. was it an accident? but you knew the limit....we always did. why so many so quick? why? was there something i should have done...or said...what?i wish i could ask you all these questions now.....i wished i would have told you all things you needed to hear. im sorry i wasnt there when you needed me most. i will always love you like a sister. you will be in my thougths forever chelsy.

yeah so me and andrew arent together anymore. i guess its for the best. but i love him. to death and pieces. hes the worst thing in the world for me. then why do i want him so much. i dont even know him anymore. he does things that totally take me by surprise. like get trashed at parties and pass out on the floor with like a dozen other people. and then theirs tiffany. i guess she likes him. and what is she this thin little blonde that is prettier than me easily. ho wcould i ever think we would get back together its a fucking joke and a half. sorta like that weird dream where i end up marrying daniel and we live happily ever after. justa joke. oh my god. it hurts so fucking bad i could die.my heart hurts so bad. its over. plain and simple. i need to get that. space....thats what i need to do. thats how i got over daniel i just pushed him away. i mean why love these guys when the obviuosly dont love me? hes just not that into you. why is that so hard for me to accept. god....seeing her. and hearing all the stories about him hanging out with sean and chris and hearing about him going to frat parties and shit. who is this? this is the guy who freaked out when he didnt know my every move. what the hell. i just dont get it anymore. well space. thats all there is to it. i gotta stay the fuck away. and not talk to him

god i say this but its so hard. i hate my life. why am i so hard to love? why cant i find someone who makes me happy and not make me wanna bawl all the time. what is it about me? so i bring out the bad in guys? what is it?

i give up

crys out

so now we're on a break. i tried talking to stewie and that went crashing down, jessie and dani say i shouldnt put up with his shit. luke is the best, he understands my side, with out telling me any real advice. he listens great. and i know we'll stay friends if andrew and i break up, he even said that we talk more than he and andrew does. i guess im not the only thing hes not neglecting lately, just ask him. i wasnt happy and im still really not. i dont know what its going to take for me to be happy. if i ever am. i like growing up, but it also makes me miserable bc i have so much shit thrown on me at once. i feel like i am going into overload. it makes me want to scream, cry, shout for joy, and die all at once. i guess its a catch 22. i hate it all. i just want happiness is that so damn bad? is that so fucking terrible. god i just want to say fuck it all. and be like screw you andrew, screw school and nursing. and just drop it all. if i want to now is the time. i dont know anymore. i just want to scream and yell at how unfair he is. and tell him what a dick he can be, and i still love him to pieces. but things dont work out the way you wnt them too.

i dont know what to do anymore.

i want to give up, but i dont have the balls.

im lost and lonely.

Holy shit. i swear just as soon as i have both feet on the ground, something or someone  pulls the rug out from underneath me. i went and picked up pics from walmart from this summer, luckily there were no drag pics from this summer from me and jordan and brandi, though it would have been hilarious. instead they were all pics of me and daniel. it makes my heart wanna break all over again. so to make matters worsei find scotts myspace account, so i add him and send him a mesage. he sends one back saying hes been trying to get ahold of me for like two years now. hes still in love with shana. whats new, though? man ive missed him, hes helped make me the person i am today. we were so close at one time, and god we had awsome sex. i remember how much i hated him for so long. but now i cant really remember why. it all seems blurry. now all i can remember is going up to the lodge, and having fun at work. its crazy how time flys by you so quick. is it wrong that i miss him so much.

me and roo had such a great day yesterday. and everything is going so well. and scott is in Ohio, and in love with shana poland. and daniel is in love with himself. so why do i care at all? i really dont know anymore. i just want to scream, and my head wants to explode. god i would love for andrew to ask me to come over there and spend the night. it would be grrreaat!

im am so torn and fucked up.

i give up!