My Mind

i just dont give a damn anymore. its a monday night and i have drank way too much vodak for my own good. but i just dont care anymore. no matter what i am  miserable. i got to see andrew today for like 5 mins and got lectured, oh what fun, so i am back sitting inmy dorm, like a good lil girl, but thats not me. im tired of being responsible. i hate it, and i feel so lonely. in a dorm of over 300 girls, and my roommate less then 3 feet away from me i feel so alone.  i would love to have a bid ole pain pill right now. i just want to forget. i just dont want to feel anymore. i honestly believe i am clinically depressed, but with no insureance it doesnt mean shit. i am broke, and no one gives a damn. no one ever asks why im so moody, shit mabey im manic depressive, who the fuck would know.

i dont know why i stay with him at times. i know he says it all for my own good. and i am sure it is, but i honestly think i am about to go off. i want some one who can have fun with me not try to rule my life. i think at times i stay with him bc im afraid to be alone. i dont know what to dowith out a boyfriend. i am so use to it. plus what if he is who im supposed to be with  and what if this is my only chance for happiness i am am going to give it up. and what ifi stay with him and saty miserable. i want someon ewho needs me, and wants to be around me, and will make time to be with me. not well you know your allowed to be over here anytime, thats not what i want. i want to know you want me, and need me. and would abosuloutly die with out me. not threaten to leave me all the fucken time. i hate that. its like i better be good or hes going to leave. that is bull shit. but i dont want to be alone. dani and jessie have each other, but who do i have? nothing, no one. i have a feeling that if me and roo where to break up i wouldnt still be friends with stewie. and that would suck, cause i love stewie. we relate so well to each other. i would hate to lose that. but is it worth it.

i hate it all. i am bored with my life. i just want to give up and run away from it all. is that so bad? i mean really.  i want to get my own apartment. one all by myself. and have no one being in my buisness, i can do as much drugs as i want to and no one would know. i would have no one to check up on me. yeah it will take a lot to get used too. and it will be hard, but ill get over it. im strong, and if im not than i better start manning up. i also need to start working, and wasting all my money on fast food , and andrew. he wanted to play adult and get his apartment  before he really could then fine. why should care. i need to put more space bw us. and stop waiting by the computer for his ims. hell just have to get the fuck over it. and i think if he doesnt come over tonight, atleast to check on me after his lil thing with Becca then i am defintly putting more space bw us. bc that just proves to me he really doesnt care that much about me, bc he can stop to watch a 3 hr movie and go and teach becca and her friends about aikido  but doesnt have time to stop and see me his gf, ehat does that show me? that shows me alot. too much. i dont think its gonna be much longer anyways

we arent celebrating valentines, and when i said it he said okay, didnt ask why, relieveed that he wouldnt have to get me anything. liek christmas. nothing. but lord knows he alreasy know what hes gonna get his roommate jr for his birthday. i got roses. sweet, but thats it. and im not materalistic, but it wouldhave been nice to get soemthing for christmas. i dont care anymore. fuck it i give up. on all of it, andrew, school, all of it. fuck it all

i am in the best mood ever. i dont know why, but i love it.  i havent felt this up beat and happy for so long. its so refreshing like how clean and fresh it feels outside after a thunderstorm. its like finally what ever has been holding be down and back has lifted. its so refreshing.  nothing speacial has happened, im just finally feeling content. no excessive worring, no looming dark clouds, no regrets, no saddness. like ive been washed clean.

i know i keep going on and on about it, but its been so long since ive felt this upbeat, i forgot what it was like to be content! i have so much energy and its great  i love it.  everyone needs to feel this!

yeah, thought of more shit i really want to get off my chest and out of my mind.

i want stability, i want forever, i want something solid. yet im terrified for any real comittment. andrew says he loves me, and he says forever, which should be enough......but still i fear. fear being alone, of him leaving me. i dont want to be hurt again. i guess i just dont know what i want anymore.

i want happiness yet it seems like i can look through the clouds to find the sunshine. and i crazy......i mean completely out of my head? why do i even still look at daniel's blogs? why do i care? i dont know......why doees part of me still wished he longed for me? to know he is haert broken. am i a cruel bitch?

i just want to be over and past it. i sometimes feel like i need to get away. away from campus, ky and ohio.  i just want a new start. but i love my friends, and family. but sometimes i feel stuck. like theres no way for me to get over anything while here. to many memories and feelings are attached to these places. like the air is filled with words that will never be said, memories that will never be made, and the stuffiness of the emptiness that will never be filled. the emptiness sometimes is enough to suffocate me. am i crazy? have i finally gone off the deep end? is this my mind telling me this is the beginning of a nervous breakdown? too many questions and too many answers i dont want to hear........

Woo hoo, the steelers are going to the super bowl! i told everyone they would kick the bronco's ass.  man my sinuses are fucking hurting, and itching like hell. there will be no way in hell they are going to let me in clinicals this sick. me and andrew are doing well. im getting better at confronting him about things im not happy with. which doesnt sound hard, being the type of realtionship where in, but damn that daniel making me afraid. i hate what that break up did to me. it made me doubt myself so much. god, i feel like shit!

thats it for now

tata 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."


And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....


Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

how is it that people changeso quickly. its like i dont even know her anymore. she like flipped completely. everything that she stood for she lost. she has become angalenia. its terrible. and how is it that they became best friends?

why not me. ever since michelle i havent had a best friend. that one person your never with out. that you plan everything with. and people expect you to know everything about them. and i lost mine, and i still havent  found another. its not fair. god i hat elife it sucks so fucking un fair.

thats it for now

tata

xoxo