My Mind

i am so confused. it seems the more i fall for andrew, the more i want to push him away. i think im afraid of being hurt again. but like jessie said "i may be loves bitch, but atleast i wont ever wonder what if." and that is so true, and i thought i used to be that way. but anymore the more i fall in love with andrew, and the more comfortable we become talking about ( and joking about) us getting married one day and stuff like that, the more scared i get about what if i get my heartbroken again. i loved daniel completely and wholely, with out a second thought, just completely gave my heart over to him, and it hurt so bad when it ended, and i know i didnt take it the best. yeah it seemed like i was fine, but i started taking pain killers to help stop thinking about it. and now im afraid ive gotten a lil addicted, bc i just feel so much better when i take a couple pain killers. i dont feel so anxious or on edge. but im afraid to tell andrew bc he has no tolerance for shit like that. and ive gotten better. i dont take them as often, or as many. i really gotta stop, but god it feels so good.

sometimes i dont feel like i deserve to be loved, or to have someone worry and care about me as much as andrew does. and sometimes it feels overwhelming for me, but i know its just because im not used to it. the more i think about it, ive been independant from my parents for a long time. ive stopped depending on them ever since we moved to ky. that was emotionally and mentally, and now im pretty much physically on my own too, so im not used to someone who cares where i go, when i go, and if its safe. but i know he has the best of intentions. but i feel bad when i do make him worry himself sick(literally) about me, i know its his choice, and that he wants that. but i hate knowing im causing him grief, and i know im not the best girlfriend, i have been really hateful lately. and i know i need to lighten up about somethings, i just dont know whats wrong, something just doesnt feel right lately..........ever since this summer, when i knew me and daniel were drifting, but i thought going back to richmond would make it all better.... and when it didnt and i reliezed i lost him.....something in me changed........im not the happy carefree, fun loving girl i used to be. i am more sad and depressed, and i dont smile like i used too. i wish i did.... and sometimes i try to force myself too, it just makes it worse. and its not all the time. dani, jessie, and andrew especially brighten my life so much. i know its the lights that have kept me going, its that glimmer that has kept me trodding on. but sometimes i feel so lost and in such a dark place and i dont know why, and it scares me........when andrew told me he was differnt and he knew he would never go back to tje person  he was....... i knew exactly what he was talking about bacause thats the same thing im going through. and i am scared. i am scared of the darkness that is consuming every aspect of my life . its like a black cloud of doom that lingers me, yes i can be happy, but its always therer trying to take over. and its like a constant with it. and i get exhausted trying to fight it, so more and more im  allowing it to engulf me, and it makes me sad, and hateful to all of those whom i lve, i just dont know what to do. im going to talk to roo tonight and see if he can help me. lets hope someone can.......i think he might be the only one who can, god i hope he can save me from myself.......i hope someone can