My Mind

so yeah, its been a crazy week. early last week, i find out through myspace of all things, that my ex daniel is bi sexual, which ya know shit happens, though this isnt the first time ive dates a guy and then he decieds to come out about his sexuality- brenda says its becuase im a "safe" girlfriend" yeah whatever. but anyways he tells other people from back home and not me, i was a little hurt, you think he would tell me shit like that. oh well.

on to other things we had thanksgiving holiday from last wensday to yesterday. my nephew was born the 22 a healthy 20 ins, 6 lbs 9 oz, and cute as hell! i totally fell in love with him. he is so preciuos. but being in ohio and seeing sarah and the family, and aunt beth- which britty is looking great-yay- and her family. it was great. it killed me to leave though, like honestly broke my heart, we drove thorugh loudonville, and i wanted to cry. they had like 4 inches of snow when we got there, it had melted the day we left, but still on the slops was all snowy and pretty.

and i sit here and wonder whats really keeping me here. roo, thats really about it. jessie and dani would be sad but its not like it would be life shattering or anything. they still have each other. but then i wonder whats left up there for me. not to much. friends i hardly talk to or family i see mabey twice a year. i dont feel like belong anywhere. it kills me. and its put me in a really shitty mood, and i know its starting to bother andrew, but i dont know what else to do. its like how am i supposed to be normal actingon the outside, when i feel like a storm is raging inside me.

i just dont what to do anymore. im miserable here, but i have a feelinbg i would be miserable up there as well. i just dont know what to do with myself, i dread waking up each day, though its been a while since i drugged myself into oblivion, but only because i dont have anything to do it with. i have no more ambien and the tramadol doesnt touch me anymore. and pot is WAY to traceable, and i get random piss tests at work. what i wouldnt do for some loratabs or something. damn anything. but its not bc im addicted i just hate my fucking life, and wish not to participate, though i know andrew would not approve. oh shit what to do, what to do. i might take a walk tonight. its been so long since ive done that.

i would go out driving but you never when some fucking rent a cop is going to pull  you over on some bogus charge, damn you Gregging.....fight the power!

well thats it for now, i have shit i need to be doing but i dont see that happening.

tata

so yeah, i am sitting here waiting to be able to register for my classes. cant do it till midnight, and damn it i am going to get the classes i want, come hell or high water or if a damn tornado comes rolling through.

on a darker note, i blocked daniel from everything on my stuff aim, myspace, facebook, you name it. but on myspace i blocked him so he cant see mine, but i can still see his. which is bad, bc ive notcied that lately ive been getting on just to look at pictures. he seems head over heels for this one. why? whats so great about her, and what is so damn tragic about me? im nice, im decently pretty at timess, yeah im a cubby and shes not...... but why? mabey they dont fight, mabey this is the happiest hes ever been. and i really dont know why i care, i dont want him back, i just dont want him to be so damn happy with someone who isnt me. why cant he just be miserable and alone like he promised he would be. dont get me wrong i love andrew to death, but i know we dont have a future. and thats sad, bc i really want to be in a realtionship that i feel may turn into something in the long run, yet when i go to talk to andrew about it and think of breaking up with him, i cant imagine it. i cant imagine with out him. hes so much of me, cand he makes me so happy. but mabey jessie's right , whats the point of being in a realtionship if you know its never going anywhere. mabey i like the security. but i hate being single, as terribly domesticated that sounds, i do. i hate knowing i dont have a man by my side. i went for so long with out one. i love having one. i just dont know man. mabey im selfish, or shallow, im really not that sure what you would call it, but its depressing as hell.

i really wish i could see me and drew together for a long time, we have so much fun now. but its like we are always on the extremes, either really good or really bad yelling at each other, but it flip flops so quickly. and for the bf that swears he has never been jealous in his life, he seems to have a streak of green going through his veins lately. its nice knowing someone cares about me enough to be it, but not to overly. yeah know a happy medium.

well i think i not only confused myself enough for now, but anyone eles who is drawn into the drama of my life thats reading this. if anyone is i would love a comment, cause i have yet to recieve one!

much love to ya all

tata

Wow, man. chilln wit dani made me feel a lil better, and so did the one and half tramadol i just crushed up did. good times. mabey it will dull me. i know i prolly wont get a buzz off them anymore, but shit if i can just numb myself into a point of oblivion, that would be fucking awsome, that is for damn sure. roo isnt going to find out cause i really dont feel like having him jump my ass about it. but honestly, all i want is to be happy. is that to much to ask? seriously? i try what i can to do it. but nothing really makes me feel happy. i mean it helps to be with andrew, hes a great kid, but i feel myself slipping into a depression. and i know i am, i just dont care anymore. its so hard to even get up and go to class, cause it seems so fucking pointless. i mean really man, i feel like whats the point of it all. wanna know something terrible? i am like obsessed with getting andrew off, because the whole time he has this incredibly happy content feeling he gives off, and it makes me feel a lil better for a while, but then its gone. i dont even get that feeling when i get off. and it gives me even more  of a sex drive bc i wanna feel happy and whole. i hate this emptiness i feel. i feel hollow. i dont even care what people think, care or feel. i just dont care anymore. how fucked up is that? i mean i should but i dont.

Let all Oz be agreed, i am wicked through and through.........no good deed will i ever do again!

thats what i feel like my life has amounted too. fuck it man, im not even feeling a buzz yet. damn i need to get some Zbars or something. this shit is killing me, no lie.

im out

tata

do you ever wake up and ask yourself why? why wake up, would anyone really give a damn. why to go to college? why give a damn? i know i could make it as a nurse aide now, so why even give a fuck. i just dont give a damn now. isnt that sad, like if i were to get into my car right now and drive who would care, who honestly give a fucking damn?

who?

who?

who?

life is a constant reminder of how empty my being is..........fuck it all!

do you ever wake up and ask yourself why? why wake up, would anyone really give a damn. why to go to college? why give a damn? i know i could make it as a nurse aide now, so why even give a fuck. i just dont give a damn now. isnt that sad, like if i were to get into my car right now and drive who would care, who honestly give a fucking damn?

who?

who?

who?

life is a constant reminder of how empty my being is..........fuck it all!

Wow, its been forever since i've written here. i have a journal under www.myspace.com under crys! look me up. anyways i had check offs today, and they actually went really well. i was so happy for that! i had to give a TB skin test. and i totally rocked it, well for the most part. things are cool with me drew, after are last spat of my keeping my stress to myself, and not sharing, we've been cool. i started my oreination back at kenwood today. i saw diane and darlene today. the both seem wicked happy to see me coming back. we had loads of fun. next weekend drew is going  on a trip to flordia next thursday till sunday. which im really happy for him. but something that bugs me, when i beg him to spend one thursday night with me bc we haven't got to spend a single night together for over two weeks, closer to 3, but he can't  bc he wont go to class, and i was like i promise i will get you up. so when he tells me this lil bit about going to flordia im like well what about ur friday class, and hes like well im going to fail it anyway i just go so i dont feel lazy. and im like oh, k. when i really am like "What the fuck"

then yesterday daniel posted some shit on his myspace and they were poems. one was his sept 11 poem and the other was one he wrote about this wonderful girl.  and it says shit like her crystal blue eyes, and how he loves how she tickles him, and how there curves fit together so perfectly, and how wonderful it is when they fall alseep in each others arm. i thought my chest was going top explode. all i could think of those were our words just a year ago. it hurt so bad. its so fucking disgusting how he can just jump from girl to girl and be in love every single time. bull shit . thats all that is is fucking bull shit. he cant say he loved me  for two years and say he feels the same about a girl he knew for less than a month. yeah i i know i love drew, but not the way i loved daniel, not  yet. it took timemore than just twpof ucking days and i wass sunddenly madly in love with someone and thought they were my fucking soul mate

itt pisses me off so much i could bawl.

and drew is sorta distant. we just never see each other enough jessie gets to stewie more than i get to roo. it sotra upsets me, cause its like he doesnt even want to the bastard. why is he so fucking distant? why cant he adore and want to be around me as much as he says he does. but he doesnt act like it. mabey im just selffish

mabey daniel ruined me with all of that attention he always gave me,. like he needed me to breath to exist. and i loved that. and i dont know why. i guess it felt like it gave me meaning. i dont know i give the fuck up

later

tata

Wow, its been forever since i've written here. i have a journal under www.myspace.com under crys! look me up. anyways i had check offs today, and they actually went really well. i was so happy for that! i had to give a TB skin test. and i totally rocked it, well for the most part. things are cool with me drew, after are last spat of my keeping my stress to myself, and not sharing, we've been cool. i started my oreination back at kenwood today. i saw diane and darlene today. the both seem wicked happy to see me coming back. we had loads of fun. next weekend drew is going  on a trip to flordia next thursday till sunday. which im really happy for him. but something that bugs me, when i beg him to spend one thursday night with me bc we haven't got to spend a single night together for over two weeks, closer to 3, but he can't  bc he wont go to class, and i was like i promise i will get you up. so when he tells me this lil bit about going to flordia im like well what about ur friday class, and hes like well im going to fail it anyway i just go so i dont feel lazy. and im like oh, k. when i really am like "What the fuck"

then yesterday daniel posted some shit on his myspace and they were poems. one was his sept 11 poem and the other was one he wrote about this wonderful girl.  and it says shit like her crystal blue eyes, and how he loves how she tickles him, and how there curves fit together so perfectly, and how wonderful it is when they fall alseep in each others arm. i thought my chest was going top explode. all i could think of those were our words just a year ago. it hurt so bad. its so fucking disgusting how he can just jump from girl to girl and be in love every single time. bull shit . thats all that is is fucking bull shit. he cant say he loved me  for two years and say he feels the same about a girl he knew for less than a month. yeah i i know i love drew, but not the way i loved daniel, not  yet. it took timemore than just twpof ucking days and i wass sunddenly madly in love with someone and thought they were my fucking soul mate

itt pisses me off so much i could bawl.

and drew is sorta distant. we just never see each other enough jessie gets to stewie more than i get to roo. it sotra upsets me, cause its like he doesnt even want to the bastard. why is he so fucking distant? why cant he adore and want to be around me as much as he says he does. but he doesnt act like it. mabey im just selffish

mabey daniel ruined me with all of that attention he always gave me,. like he needed me to breath to exist. and i loved that. and i dont know why. i guess it felt like it gave me meaning. i dont know i give the fuck up

later

tata