My Mind

so yeah, its been a crazy week. early last week, i find out through myspace of all things, that my ex daniel is bi sexual, which ya know shit happens, though this isnt the first time ive dates a guy and then he decieds to come out about his sexuality- brenda says its becuase im a "safe" girlfriend" yeah whatever. but anyways he tells other people from back home and not me, i was a little hurt, you think he would tell me shit like that. oh well.

on to other things we had thanksgiving holiday from last wensday to yesterday. my nephew was born the 22 a healthy 20 ins, 6 lbs 9 oz, and cute as hell! i totally fell in love with him. he is so preciuos. but being in ohio and seeing sarah and the family, and aunt beth- which britty is looking great-yay- and her family. it was great. it killed me to leave though, like honestly broke my heart, we drove thorugh loudonville, and i wanted to cry. they had like 4 inches of snow when we got there, it had melted the day we left, but still on the slops was all snowy and pretty.

and i sit here and wonder whats really keeping me here. roo, thats really about it. jessie and dani would be sad but its not like it would be life shattering or anything. they still have each other. but then i wonder whats left up there for me. not to much. friends i hardly talk to or family i see mabey twice a year. i dont feel like belong anywhere. it kills me. and its put me in a really shitty mood, and i know its starting to bother andrew, but i dont know what else to do. its like how am i supposed to be normal actingon the outside, when i feel like a storm is raging inside me.

i just dont what to do anymore. im miserable here, but i have a feelinbg i would be miserable up there as well. i just dont know what to do with myself, i dread waking up each day, though its been a while since i drugged myself into oblivion, but only because i dont have anything to do it with. i have no more ambien and the tramadol doesnt touch me anymore. and pot is WAY to traceable, and i get random piss tests at work. what i wouldnt do for some loratabs or something. damn anything. but its not bc im addicted i just hate my fucking life, and wish not to participate, though i know andrew would not approve. oh shit what to do, what to do. i might take a walk tonight. its been so long since ive done that.

i would go out driving but you never when some fucking rent a cop is going to pull  you over on some bogus charge, damn you Gregging.....fight the power!

well thats it for now, i have shit i need to be doing but i dont see that happening.

tata