My Mind

wow, i should be studing, but instead im on  here. ill be lucky to make it through nursing school. yawn

i think im going to bed. this shit is for the birds, night

later

apparently andrew can't read me as well as he thought he could. cause he said tonite when i left i was fine, if he only knew. brittany has been on my mind alot. im stressing that im turning 20, when she might not even have the chance to reach this age. how selfish am i? i just dont understand, how can something this wrong happen to them. there so great and happy. and there strenght in not only each other but in life in general is so strong. how can this be fair, i want it to be better again. i want  life to stop being so hard. i want uncle jim at christmas this year, and i dont want all my fa,ily to be so far away. i never realized how great things were in ohio. i had beth and jerry and family, and i had grandpa. and i thought when we moved down here i would have all this family to comfort and love me, and i don't. ky is nothing like i thought it would be. this christmas what i want the most is to go back, back before britts tumor, and before grandpa forgot who i was. back before everythingwent bad and life got so damn hard. god what i wouldn't do just for one more christmas day back when everything was good.

i am also beginning to wonder what love means. when i was little love ment forever, no matter what. love meant forgiving the person endlessly, and understanding, and having compassion for them in any kind of situation. its something you told the man you married and you meant it. then as i got older it was something you told your best friends, people you swore to be best of friends forever. then it was like the thing you told your boy friend.

then after i got with daniel it made me think again about what love was really supposed to mean. i once again thought it meant forever un dying soulmate stuff. i thought we were ment to be together. but now that i know thats not true, it makes me wanna question what andrew means when he says it.  i m afraid of getting to attached and getting hurt again.

i just wanna be able to stop thinking and feeling for like one day.

its weird how things can crash so quick, then slowly go back up. it feels like im living on a rollercaoster. cause when things go down hill they go down fast, then slowly i able to go backup. it takes a lot out of me. well i got my bank shit worked out, and made an appoint with shea for today at 2. i have test today in hea 281. but it can't be too hard. i haop i do okay . i really need to do my paper for my aids class. which is a really great class. this weekend i have my class again and i think andrew is going home, but im not sure what day he is going . i'm sorts hoping he'll wait till i get out of class on saturday and want to take me with him. that would be very nice. but i really need to go home so i can get my contacts, so im torn. its ahrd decions, so  once again i wont be able to spend the night with drew. this weekend i missed cuddling with him so bad.   ireally did. i really lovehim as corny as that sounds. well i better go start workin gon my aids paper.

tata

HA for all of you who laugh when i say im a pirate. now how do i prove im black?

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Evil Sailor. Where You Lived: New Guinea. How You Died: Buried alive.

Yeah so today i go over and eat with my friend lynn at downstairs powelle. and guess who comes strolling up. daniel and Tameeka. its a wonder the girl even eats she certainly doesnt look like it. so anyways yeah he comes up and introduces he to me again. and then starts rambling about his lil bro might be getting bapitised. bu tyou could even understand him cause he ws mumbling so bad. then he just stands there. so finally im like well ill let ya go bye, and look away so he finally leaves the table

i think he was expecting me to ask him to sit, but i was not about to with his lil skinny ass gf there with him.

yeah so that was akward. its the first im ever seen him out witha agirl. it hurt alot. but what can ya do?

anyways, spending time with andrew is beginning to get extremely difficult. like i want to see him but its like i gotta convince him to come with me. its like jesus you are my bf its okay to want to be with me a lil bit ya know. and he is way to involved with jessie and stewie. believe it or not they both can take care of themselevs . we have done all we can do. now let what could happen just happen. ya know? jesus. what to do with  him. he always has to be the center of attenention or he goes nuts. craziness. well thats al i got to bicth about now

tata

Are you tired of all those dumb ass "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry prick who made you cry.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will bother you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use small words.

7. When you are sick - stay the HELL away from me until you are better. I don't want whatever you've got.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath..I pledge it til the end. Why, you may ask? Because you are my friend.

i love this simply bc it decribes my friends to a tee. its great.

To my drew-

i writ ethis knowing that you will never see it, which is sad, but what is to be done shall be. i read my tarot today, and it was really interesting.  my sigfinicator was the lovers, which meant in our new realtionship it was real and serious, and will be a deeper realtionship than ive ever expreinced. and i think that is great , and i want that with you. my past was bitter, spiteful and resentful or the high priestess in reverse. that stung a bit, but its true. my present was the empress, which is matratical charater that shows content love creativity and completness, which made me really happy.  but for somereason the futrure alwasys lurks ahead to try to hurt me. it was the queen of coins.....in reverse. so the brown eyes and brown hair bueaty which usually means riches with humilty, now menas greediness, and the bad side of obsession with money. she is pretty much a hard nosed greedy bitch. which isnt good, and im still confused with how that applys to me. unless it reflects my working and  trying to hard to have enough that i end up being greedy and stingy.

anyways, andrew i love you, and at times you make me so angry, and its like we do it to each other. mabey im being babish, which is possible, but i just dont know what to do, i love you but you infurate me so much sometimes. i just dont know what to do with you. grrrrr.

but all in all i love you.

your orange

tata