My Mind

apparently andrew can't read me as well as he thought he could. cause he said tonite when i left i was fine, if he only knew. brittany has been on my mind alot. im stressing that im turning 20, when she might not even have the chance to reach this age. how selfish am i? i just dont understand, how can something this wrong happen to them. there so great and happy. and there strenght in not only each other but in life in general is so strong. how can this be fair, i want it to be better again. i want  life to stop being so hard. i want uncle jim at christmas this year, and i dont want all my fa,ily to be so far away. i never realized how great things were in ohio. i had beth and jerry and family, and i had grandpa. and i thought when we moved down here i would have all this family to comfort and love me, and i don't. ky is nothing like i thought it would be. this christmas what i want the most is to go back, back before britts tumor, and before grandpa forgot who i was. back before everythingwent bad and life got so damn hard. god what i wouldn't do just for one more christmas day back when everything was good.

i am also beginning to wonder what love means. when i was little love ment forever, no matter what. love meant forgiving the person endlessly, and understanding, and having compassion for them in any kind of situation. its something you told the man you married and you meant it. then as i got older it was something you told your best friends, people you swore to be best of friends forever. then it was like the thing you told your boy friend.

then after i got with daniel it made me think again about what love was really supposed to mean. i once again thought it meant forever un dying soulmate stuff. i thought we were ment to be together. but now that i know thats not true, it makes me wanna question what andrew means when he says it.  i m afraid of getting to attached and getting hurt again.

i just wanna be able to stop thinking and feeling for like one day.