My Mind

wow, right now i could be curled up in bed with my baby, but instead i cant sleep. and when i cant slepp itend to toss and turn, alot. and i really dont want to put him through that so im tryn to wear myself out by doing some simple ballet streches, but that didnt work. so i thought mabey some random typing might help. but im not seeing that working either. i took my test in nur 112, dont know what i got on it buyt i got a 'b' in the class so im happy.

he looks so peaceful lying there. i ahte to think of the fact that i wont see him till monday. how bad does that suck? i really am attached. and he says he loves me, that hes in love with me, but im scared. when i asked him if he felt emotions we' re still chemical reponses, he said he didnt know. if he says he in love with me so much, how can he doubt it? am i not showing him enouh how much i love him? is it my own fault for be shut off at times, cause i can be very cold i know that. and its my safety mechinism.

drunk daniel was drunk dialing tonight. he said he was on duty , and he was trashed. i cant believe that. thats not responisible. hes putting himself and others at risk. i guess they we're drinking vodka, and tomarrow he sadi he a bottle of southern comfot he was going to finish off. i woory abouth that. his dad was an alcoholic, and he has been telling lots of stories of how hes been drinking alot.  whta did i start? last year he wouldnt even touch it, and i was like dont judge till you try it, what kind of pandora's box did i let him open up. i still feel for him more than even i like to admit. i worry. he was my first love, and i never want any harm to befall. and i would kick my own ass i knew that i was the one to  start it up.  this summer he was so dead set on never touching it again. what happened, when did things change? im scared for his safety. what do i do? do i look away again, do i play the dumb card. or do i fess up? do i bring up what everyone is trying to hard not to see. i dont know. i know technically i have a duty, to protect at all times, at any count.  does that make me a hero or a bitch? am i evil or good? or is my being good just a way to try to get attention. because only i know what goes on in my heart. what do i do. im scared but do i fess up to my part, or slink back into the shadows, and accept the fact its not my placxe anymore to do anything.

No good deed goes unpunished. its the story of my life. why is it all my good attentions go awry. what did i do wrong. why do people always look for the bad? why do i let myself fall into this same pattern. why cant i just take things for face value. why do i even care anymore. why cant i just turn wicked and say fuck it. i don't give a damn.

no wonder i cant sleep with so many unanswerable questions running through my head. im going to try to lay down now.

tata