My Mind

don't ever loose the light in your eyes.  i think i might feel love again. he holds my hand in public, he'll lean over and kiss me. he told me today that the reason he likes my eyes so much is because i have animae eyes. i asked him what that ment he was like the reason animae charcters look so happy is b/c there eyes shine and sparkle, and thats what i have. how great is that. i toold him that i think we were ment to save each other, and he agreed. but not only is there this great attraction, but we can have deep conversations. and we make each other feeel at ease. and we've only really got to know each other for less than a week. i really hope this isnt fates cruel trick and hes going to have to go home, and ill never see him

im scared about next smester. i spent that first 500 dollars, i had to really. but this semsester i have to buy scrubs, and supplies, and other shit, but i can't use the six hundred they sent me

so next semester i dont know what i will do, i really dont want to ask mom and dad for help, plus ill have to pay for new books and everything. im just gonna have to start working like a dog every weekend. but i want to stay here and be near andrew. i really want us to get an  aprtment next year. that would be awsome! tragic.

man hollie is not pretty and people said she didnt look bad, please im not great but better than her!

tata

oh my god! i just found out that im prettier than her. and thats not me just being a bitch i really am! that makes me feel soooooo much better. plus i have andrew, and that just makes my life so great yay! go me!

i really think andrew and me are going to work out. im excited.

Heart, thats the only way to describe this feeling.  i have such strong feelings for andrew, and says he really likes me too. i do things to him no one eles can. like get him off really quick, and arouse him just be kissing him. and he makes me feel , alive, something i haven't felt in a long time. since ive talke dto him on thursday, i haven't had one suicidal thought, and i wish i could tell him that, but he can't handle it. no one could, im the poster child for happiness, no one would have thought just one week ago i was aching to slit my wrists. didn't know i was desperatly trying to figure how to kill myself.  life doesn't seem as dark. hes like a breath of fresh air; and ive been holding my breath for a long time. too long. and it wasn't just after me and daniel broke up. i was thinking about that for a long time. all summer to be honest. but i think i did something stupid now, like i always do. when i got out of the car, i kissed him goodbye and wishpered "i want to be with you"  he didn't say anything, but i did get out of the car quick, i waved, and when i got back up here i im'ed him and was like" i hope you feel better" and "sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear, but its the truth" he keeps saying stuff about formalities, and i don't know what he means. i hope i didn't scare him away.  things come and go so quickly in my life. it seems like as soon as i grab onto something to embrace it , it slips away; out of my reach. sometimes its like hes a drug, i cant think strasight around him, its not till i get away i think "wow i fell fast" and its not just sexual, because i have a habit of that. im a very sexual person, and emotional person and i have to have some way to express that. alot of time sex is sex. but with andrew its like i get high off his kisses, and i crave his touch. i can't stand to not touch him sometimes, and some times it makes me feel physically ill to be away from, and that scares me a bit. i don't know what todo. to think, to feeel. we just both got out of serious long realtionships, but i want him. i want to call him my own. i don't want any  other to hit on him, to want him. and he thought my slight of jealously was good, but it wasn't. i feel almost posseive over him. is that fucking crazy or what?  how am i so caught up in him? i dont' hopefulluy he'l im me. if so ill write more

but if not then i guess i got my answer.

tata

wow, i never thought someone could make me feel this again. but im scared. he says he likes me, and we hold hands in public, and kiss each other goodbye, but when i called him to find out what i should tell daniel, cause i would hate to cause problems bw them, hes like just tell him the truth "you don't know" and i know neither of us are really ready for real relationships. and what scares me is that he told me thursday that he dated sarah to sorta prove tthat he could "get back on the horse. but he also said today that he doesn't start talking to a girl with out thinking there might be something there. if not its a waste of time. but the way we hold each other, and look at each other. the way he can feel me, the real me.

last night i told him he was blue, and he warned me against red. that it was bad.  he said i was white. that he didn't know what that ment. and i said mabey i was the light saving him from the dark. then he said b/c of what he felt he said, "he knew there must  be a God" but hes not atheist , but he doesnt belive in heaven or hell. and the fact that he said that is really shocking. i over anaylize things, im scsared. i like things to be in black and white. this or that. labels. i like to know where i stand with people. i gotta know. i feel like im not holding the ball when that happens. and now he might have to mive home. i cant loose him. he knows me to well. it would be like taking part of me with him. i will spend my loan money to help him get  an apartment if i have to. shit im wrapped up way too much in this.

i need some guidance.

i need help.

tata

somethings are just never ment to be! i hate when people play games, especially the ones guys always wanna play. i guess i can deny it all i want, but im a hopeless romantic! and i believe that is my down fall, i'm always trying to save someone, even if they don't wanna be saved. i think my life would be better if i was emotionally shut off. no more pain, no more drama that seems to be my life. am i really that hard to like?

guys are such dicks some times, and so are girls. i swear im not always like this, this is just th place i go when i pissed

tata

I offically give up on guys. i thought that i had actually met a nice guy, but go me,and my bad judgement. this ones name is Micah. another rugby player and ex military man. (wow mabey i should change the type of guys i go for) but i was like no i don't want anything to go on b/w us, and i explained to him i had been hurt. and he was like im not like that. and i thought he was serious. but like all the others he kept pushing for sex, and i said oh the fuck well! why the F not? this is why, i'll be lucky to ever hear from him again. i give the f up. i called his house and was like "is micah there?" his roommate-Russ( who is creepy b/c he is dating a 14 yr old, hes 23 ewww!) answered is like, uh i don't know, who is this just in case he is? so i was like "crystal" so he comes back and is like "ummm, no his cars not here so i guess he's not"

how fucking lame is that. typical guy. i just don't give a fuck anymore. no reason too! what ever.  Daniel is now offically dating Hollie. woo mother fucking Hoo. i am so f'n excited. what the fuck ever!

i give up on all of it.

I feel like i'm faced with this problem all the time. i never reliezed how much daniel was such a big part of my life. how much we obsessed with each other. and now that we're not together, i don't know what to do. jessie and dani are at work, and heather is not wanting to socialize with me, so... im by myself. i guess i never reliezed how much time we spent, and now that he spends that with hollie, i don't know what i do with my time. this summer i worked all the time, i barely had time to sleep and try to be me, but now i have so much free time, its depressing. its so lonely. what do i do, i don't want to go and meet new people  really. its like im withdrawling from life itself. like yeasterday i didn't have class, and i didnt leave my room until i went to the gym for like an hour, and i was okay with that.  that just does not seem normal to me. it sorta scares me to be honest. and i didn't go out of our room either. i mena actually i have evrything i need here, basicly at least, food, bed, friends, full bathroom. not much eles. this is not normal. i fear im facing depression and not relieze that. but i don't know what to do.

my life is tragic, very very tragic.

tata

i love him. plain and simple, but hes not mine. and i think im finally cool with that! me and daniel had a really long talk. he thinks he wants to be with hollie, but i worry about them coming off the rebound. and im not sure if shes good enough for him.  shes still talking with her recent ex, b/c shes afraid that all her friends back home  will choose him over her, so shes still cool with him, and they hang out. i swear if that bitch, or any bitch ever hurt him , i will fucking kill them, hands down.  he deserves someone great! and i always told him i wanted him to be happy, even if that meant not being with me. and we set down some rules b/w us which is cool

more later

tata

sometimes i worry. i dont understand myself. i can sit in an alzheimer's pt room for an hour. talking with them, calming them down, holding them, what ever it takes. but i cant go visit my own grandfather. its so hard. this summer i lost 3 of the men who believed in me the most. daniel, my grandpa, and my uncle jim. jim always told me from the time i can remmeber that i would do great things in this world. they sent me a note, just a little card with a short note that nancy had written, and i said for weeks that i would send them one back, and he died. the biggest health nut in the world, that had fought cancer and beaten it twice, was killed by a heartattack. i was his shortybumps. and now hes gone.

my grandpa is still alive, but he's now not my grandfather. not the man who was my protector when i was small, who would do anything for me and my family. the man who had so many stories to tell. but i never wanted to stay and listen. i thought of him as old and boring. i neevr paid attenetion when he wanted to teach me french, or listen to his war stories, or growing up with uncle bob. and now what i wouldn't give for just an hour with the man he used to be, before he began to change from the powerful man he was to the sad and confused man he is now. its so sad to see such a great man fall so far so fast. he pushed me in everything. he was at every choir concert, evry induction cermony, he was there for my graduation, and for my moving in the first day of college. he was the father i always wanted. the one who pushed me to be all i could, to learn my limitations then sky rocket by them. he believed when no one else did. he played barbies and watched nick at nite with me all summer. every nite. he is the man  no man will ever live up to in my heart and in my mind. yet now i cant even stand to be in the same room as him. it hurts so bad. like hes dying just a little bit at a time. and now that he doesnt recoginze me, its to hard to have to deal with that. i guess im just not strong enough to . and that makes me feel so guilty inside. i know he wont make to my wedding day, and that kills me. i would have loved to have had him walk me down the isle. but  i know when i feel the presense behind me its grandma looking out for me now that grandpa can't. and that hurts so bad

i think i pushed my poor liver into overtime this weekend. i got trashed friday afternoon, then woke up just fine, thanking god i didn't have a killer hangover. so what  do i do? go to my first rugby game, which i absolutely love! and no rugby game would be complete with out a good old ruby party at the rugby house. (which got busted 2 or 3 times. alot of the night is a haze). it was the best, and you meet the nicest guys. granted the majority of guys who come up and talk to you are trying to figure out how difficult it would be to get in your pants, but still, good times. i got drunk off beer for the first time, which oddly enough i find much easier to than off of liquor. but i think its b/c im not used to it. who knows.

i also, lucky me, got to talking with a guy thats also an RA , mark,in my exs dorm, and we have a great thing in common, we both highly dislike him. i found out that when he told me he was talking to Katie, he lied, it was Hollie. he "stole" her away from her ex,  mark's friend. and told everyone we were broke up the whole time. which wasnt true. so he already had her lined up when he broke up with me. i've blocked him from face book, so i cant see him and he cant see me, hes called me twice,, and i still haven't called him back, so im hoping he's gonna get the point. and part of me wants to call him up and tell him to stop calling me , that i am so fucking pissed with him its not even funny, and that no i dont hate him, just despise him. and to tell him that he is ruining this whole semester for me. but then i dont want to give him the statisfaction of knowing he still has so much power over me. and dani keeps telling me that she'll call him and tell him to stop calling me, and see if that would work. i just want to know why he feels the urge to call.

then last night i reliezed how much me and jessie are alike. gabe called and said that he needed her to come over, and she went. and part of me knows where shes coming from , that s a hard situation to be in ya know. its tragic.

why is it that all guys here want to do is get in your fucking pants , and when you dont let them thats all there is, and if you do let them, thats all there is. i think i just want to turn into a icy bitch, who lets no one in or near, mabey then i could protect my heart. who knows

tata for now