My Mind

Heart, thats the only way to describe this feeling.  i have such strong feelings for andrew, and says he really likes me too. i do things to him no one eles can. like get him off really quick, and arouse him just be kissing him. and he makes me feel , alive, something i haven't felt in a long time. since ive talke dto him on thursday, i haven't had one suicidal thought, and i wish i could tell him that, but he can't handle it. no one could, im the poster child for happiness, no one would have thought just one week ago i was aching to slit my wrists. didn't know i was desperatly trying to figure how to kill myself.  life doesn't seem as dark. hes like a breath of fresh air; and ive been holding my breath for a long time. too long. and it wasn't just after me and daniel broke up. i was thinking about that for a long time. all summer to be honest. but i think i did something stupid now, like i always do. when i got out of the car, i kissed him goodbye and wishpered "i want to be with you"  he didn't say anything, but i did get out of the car quick, i waved, and when i got back up here i im'ed him and was like" i hope you feel better" and "sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear, but its the truth" he keeps saying stuff about formalities, and i don't know what he means. i hope i didn't scare him away.  things come and go so quickly in my life. it seems like as soon as i grab onto something to embrace it , it slips away; out of my reach. sometimes its like hes a drug, i cant think strasight around him, its not till i get away i think "wow i fell fast" and its not just sexual, because i have a habit of that. im a very sexual person, and emotional person and i have to have some way to express that. alot of time sex is sex. but with andrew its like i get high off his kisses, and i crave his touch. i can't stand to not touch him sometimes, and some times it makes me feel physically ill to be away from, and that scares me a bit. i don't know what todo. to think, to feeel. we just both got out of serious long realtionships, but i want him. i want to call him my own. i don't want any  other to hit on him, to want him. and he thought my slight of jealously was good, but it wasn't. i feel almost posseive over him. is that fucking crazy or what?  how am i so caught up in him? i dont' hopefulluy he'l im me. if so ill write more

but if not then i guess i got my answer.

tata