My Mind

sometimes i worry. i dont understand myself. i can sit in an alzheimer's pt room for an hour. talking with them, calming them down, holding them, what ever it takes. but i cant go visit my own grandfather. its so hard. this summer i lost 3 of the men who believed in me the most. daniel, my grandpa, and my uncle jim. jim always told me from the time i can remmeber that i would do great things in this world. they sent me a note, just a little card with a short note that nancy had written, and i said for weeks that i would send them one back, and he died. the biggest health nut in the world, that had fought cancer and beaten it twice, was killed by a heartattack. i was his shortybumps. and now hes gone.

my grandpa is still alive, but he's now not my grandfather. not the man who was my protector when i was small, who would do anything for me and my family. the man who had so many stories to tell. but i never wanted to stay and listen. i thought of him as old and boring. i neevr paid attenetion when he wanted to teach me french, or listen to his war stories, or growing up with uncle bob. and now what i wouldn't give for just an hour with the man he used to be, before he began to change from the powerful man he was to the sad and confused man he is now. its so sad to see such a great man fall so far so fast. he pushed me in everything. he was at every choir concert, evry induction cermony, he was there for my graduation, and for my moving in the first day of college. he was the father i always wanted. the one who pushed me to be all i could, to learn my limitations then sky rocket by them. he believed when no one else did. he played barbies and watched nick at nite with me all summer. every nite. he is the man  no man will ever live up to in my heart and in my mind. yet now i cant even stand to be in the same room as him. it hurts so bad. like hes dying just a little bit at a time. and now that he doesnt recoginze me, its to hard to have to deal with that. i guess im just not strong enough to . and that makes me feel so guilty inside. i know he wont make to my wedding day, and that kills me. i would have loved to have had him walk me down the isle. but  i know when i feel the presense behind me its grandma looking out for me now that grandpa can't. and that hurts so bad