My Mind

i'm in a purple place today, which is odd b/c usually i love blue. but today i feel purple. not sad, not really happy, yet more than existing. does that make sense? sometimes i wonder why my parents went from overbearing to nonexsistant in my life. i dont know if there just to afraid to be too in my life and push me away, or if they just really dont mind not being in my life. it makes my heart hurt, luckily have have my friends parents, and i have decieded to adopt them. mom doesnt even call, not my cell or dorm its like she doesnt even care, and that hurts. but i guess what ever doesnt kill you makes you stronger. damn i bet im 10 times stronger this year than any other year. its tragic, i remember when me and sarah used to be each others worlds. we were best friends and would do anything for each other. i can remember when we would have our own little christamases and make each other gifts, and play barbies. it seems like so long ago, yet like yesterday,if i could only go back just for a minute, to remember how its was to be happy with myself, and not have a care in the world, but the harder i think would i really return to mychildhood? the pain, the fear, it scares me. yet i was so sweet and innocent and ready to conquer anything. i feel so torn. im truely inbetween afraid to grow up but afraid to try to stay, and afraid to want to return. its so crazy. i thought i ahd my life planned out so well, but i dont. im living day to day, no real long term plans, just today and the moment. im scared. i scared to go to the dr, at first i thought i would have daniel to hold my hand through it, but i dont im on my own on this. what if its cancer, how will i pay for it?  how will i tell my parents? i truely think i wouldnt not unless i would have to withdraw from school, or need financial help. but it could be nothing, nothing but a little bump on my cervix. god i hope so. i feel so alone. no one i can realy tell about this. i must go but more later

tata