My Mind

the song by lorrie morgan always breaks my heart and gives me hope at the same time. as stewie said i guess im in my quarter life crisis. im not really sure what i want in life. i pretend too, but deep down im just as scared and confused as everyone else. life got so much harder when i started trying to live for myself. before i was able to do what would make someone else happy or what i thought they wanted or expected of me. now living for my self by myself, i have so many choices and options, and its scary as hell. in my head i have this master game plan, all these long term goals. and i have short term ones too, like pass classes. go to work and be productive, not have a nervous break down. and with those i can handle, but the shit that trips me up is the little everyday shit. like what to do when bear asks me to go out, or dealing with the moment to moment lonileness, bc its not the long term being single that gets me. no that i can always be like im waiting for mr. right, and hell come eventually. no its the laying alone in bed at night, and i wake up from a bad dream, and no ones there to put their arm around me to make me feel better. or on pretty days like today, and i want to go outside and sit, or take a walk or drive. fun stuff you could do with a bf. then it gets to me. just that lil sigh of sadness. and what scares me is that i feel myself growing colder, caring less, "toughening up".  and it helps now. bc for now it doesnt ache that much. but long term what will that do? will i become an ice princess, and push people away? im already starting to. le sigh.

my grandpa is sick. the dont expect him to live for much longer. on top of his alzheimers he has a UTI, Congestive Heart Failure ( which he has to be on lasix for) pnumonia in his right lung and 50% of his Left lung is collapsed, and we cant put a chest tube in bc his heart couldnt take going under the anethisa.

hes like a second dad to me. hes always been ther. my dad was a heavy alocoholic until i was about 14. and my grandpa always stepped up in place. he was the one who came to all the choir concerts, all the assemblies, all the awards cermonies, and my induction in National Honor Society. all events my dad never cared enough to go to. he was there. when it was bring your dad to school day in 4th grade  he came at the last minute bc my dad was passed out drunk and couldnt come.

hes my biggest hero. the person whos always encouraged me to be my best. he knew what i was capable of and expected nothing less. me and my sister where like daughters to him. the past couple years have been so hard on me bc of his alzhiemers. he wasnt able to come to my highschool graducation bc he was to sick to come. and now he wont get to come to my college graduation. he was there for my moving here to eastern my freshman year though. he didnt really know what was going on but it was still nice to have him there.

it makes me so sad that he wont get to be there when i get married, or for my first kid, or anything like that. i know i shouldnt concentrate on the things i wont get but on the things i was able to share with him. but its so hard. it feels like he is being taken away from me to soon. theres so much advice he needs to give me. he promised to take me to my first irish pub for my first irish cofee for st pats day after i turn 21. theres so many memories i need to make with him, more stories he didnt get to share. more  french phrases he needs to teach me.

what i wouldnt do now to be 13 yo again. i would pay more attention to his stories, and all the things he tried to tach me. i would go to church with him more. i would value every moment with him so much more.

but i cant live in a life of regrets. all i can do is be happy for the time i got with him, as short as it was. and remember all the great things he taught and showed me. and know that he lives in my heart, and that ill always carry him with me. on my wedding day, when my kids are born, when i graduate, when i get my RN (he was always so proud of me for persuing my dreams. and i think he wanted it for me just as much as i do).

all i can do is hope for him a painless and peaceful end. and be there for him now, the way he always was for me.

tata

im sitting here so confused. there are three guys in my life right now. and i dont even know how it happened. the first of course is andrew. the one i cant have, and the one i want the most. i miss him so much. i know i still have him, that hes mine no matter what. but hes got me on a pedastel and her in his arms. and we all know how that ended up in my best friends wedding. its crazy, and its all these lil things that make me miss him. when i hear funny stories, or a dumb joke, or songs, or the way the sunshines through the cloud and makes life look like it has a lil halo. its amazing. and i want him to be there to share it with me. maybe one day. but sometimes i think things are better this way. i want us to be happy. happier than either of us have ever been. and thats what i hope for. i thought id never know happiness after daniel, and andrew showed me i could. that gives me hope.

then theres sweet pat. his innocene makes him so vaunerable, and i never know whats okay with him. and i know that with him its fun and carefree no real deep emotions attached. which is what i want right now. that no strings attached clause. but i know that that doesnt really exsist. cause i always tell andrew, no strings attached and there are. and i know how sad i get. and to know i may be doing that to another person makes me feel like shit. but when i stop and look at a long term future i dont see it with pat. i see us being awsome friends, and him being there to mend my broken heart, and dancing with me at my wedding, maybe even being in it, but not at the groom. and  my minds telling me that, and telling me that if i am leading him on thats bad.

 and then theres Bear. and i dont even know what to think about this. he dated heather. he said he always thought i was cute, but there was just bad timing. and i can understand that. but when i look at bear i see possible long term. he older, more settled, and i like that about bear. he seems more reliable. but i dont know exactly what i feel for him or vice versa. its crazy. why now? and why this sudden infatuation. is it just for hopeful sex. i do know that roo is not liking this. and he told me that he trust Bear with everything in the world, except me. why though? just bc hes a partier and is horny? how would that make him differnt from tiff though. i know im in a more fragile state than roo, but surely he trusts me doesnt he? so what is it? does he sense me being able to fall for bear, and doesnt want that? i know that anything andrew tells me is him trying to protect me from .....well alot of times its from myself. and thats why i love him. and i see the some of andrew in bear, maybe thats what infatuates me with him. i dont know. but he seems differnt, hes not so much blue, but im completely sure what he is. i dont know, but i want to find out. what does that mean? i know i can talk to andrew about this.....but im hesitanant simly bc jess and dani are  wanting to protect pat (god that was a bad idea. why did we kiss. why did i start complicating things?) and roo wants to protect me, and right now i believe its from bear. i see bear as someone to protect me, and to help me and et through life.

i figured out things got harder when i took control of my own life. when i suddenly became in complete control of my actions, and decisions (the good and the bad......oh yeah the bad definetly). thats when life got hard. sometimes i wonder why i was in such a rush for this. am i better off. am i stronger. am i the big bad person i thought i was. no.....im the same lil girl i always was, just pretending that i know what i am doing. thank god for jessie, dan i and roo. id be lost without them, bc no matter how much im all like im on my own.....i can do it all by myself, there wou,d be no way in hell i coud do it with out them. there my home away from home. i finally know where my home is. it doesnt have a zipcode, or a spot on the map. its here where i am (at the minute) as long as i have my trio, im home. even when were not physically together. i know they got my back. im learning to appreciate life more and more everyday.

wow. so much figured out in so few of paragraphs.